


An Average Day

by EtoileGarden



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: AU, Arguments, Aurora is ALIVE, Boys In Love, Child Abuse, Coming Out, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Kissing, M/M, Noah is alive, Non magic AU, Romance, Sleepovers, Slow Burn, Swearing, bed sharing, bildungroman, diffuse violence, mild mild mild sexual content, ronan is a nerd ass, ronan is soft in this because his mama is alive, sarcastic boys are sarcastic, there ARE two beds but these idiots are only gonna sleep in ONE
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-06-25 06:40:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 37,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19740307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EtoileGarden/pseuds/EtoileGarden
Summary: “Why the hell would you say it if you didn’t want that lie?” Adam snapped back, immediately as angry sounding as Ronan felt. “You can’t set me up for a trap and then be pissed I stepped in it.”“Yeah?” Ronan gritted out, “Funny how I’m pissed off then.”“You’re impossible,” Adam said, cold, “what the hell do you even want me to say?”“The truth?” Ronan said, “Maybe? For once in your life?”Adam narrowed his eyes at him, pulled his shoulders in tight.“Ok,” he said. “Here’s the truth. I don’t like you very much right now.”-An AU of a Pynch coming together a different way bcos what else do I write?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> HEY I wrote this all today and I DIDN'T edit it at all because that's the way I do

By now, a year and a bit into his friendship with Adam (though he wouldn’t admit to keeping track), Ronan was used to seeing Adam with bruises, grazes, barely concealed limps. He was used to Adam avoiding Gansey’s questions about his health, dodging Gansey’s sympathy, ignoring Gansey’s anger over Adam’s refusal to let him help. He was used to the sort of strained tension in their friend group when Adam looked beat up and refused to acknowledge it and the rest of them knew that bringing it up meant Adam withdrawing and so didn’t bring it up and didn’t bring it up. 

What he wasn’t used to was this. 

Thursday morning. Gansey was away in DC, his mother’s birthday (or a campaign party? Or his parent’s anniversary? Ronan  _ had _ listened when Gansey had told him, but his brain never really seemed to store any information about the Gansey seniors out of principal because he disliked them), and would be away over the entire weekend - a fact Ronan was excessively not pleased about - and Noah was away with the lacrosse team because their team had made it into the finals, and so --- 

And so Ronan was sitting alone on the vaguely damp brick wall by the student carpark waiting for Adam to turn up so he could be less alone. Really he ought to have gone home with Matthew yesterday afternoon. He spent his weekends at home mostly anyway, and he could have driven in with Matthew and not have had to do this alone thing right now. But he had wanted to stay at Monmouth with Gansey until Gansey left, had wanted to say goodbye before Gansey drove off early that morning to go be a perfect princeling for his parents. Noah had left on Wednesday night, stuffed into a school van, and so Ronan hadn’t even had anyone to come to school with. 

Not that he needed anyone, of course, obviously, definitely. He loved being alone. It was great. Anyway, he couldn’t really get the right vibe of ‘I’m dangerous and edgy leave me alone’ when he was flanked by Noah ‘glitter shirt’ Czerny, and Richard Campbell ‘of course you can talk to me’ Gansey the third. Adam, on the other hand - 

Adam biked into the parking lot, locked his bike up at the empty bike rack, and didn’t even look at Ronan - which had to be somewhere in the realm of edgy. Maybe he adhered to the uniform guidelines a lot closer than Ronan did, but he wore it differently to Noah and Gansey. Noah always made the uniform look rumpled, but it still looked like a uniform, still looked  _ right _ . Gansey did his level best to be picture perfect daily, and if he was ever a little askew, it was always in a lovable roguish sort of way which pissed Ronan off to no end. Adam - and Ronan was sure this pissed Adam off to no end - wore the uniform with a certain sort of disdain that seemed to stop the outfit from looking truly formal on him. 

“Someone piss in your wheaties?” Ronan drawled as Adam adjusted his book bag strap across his chest and stepped in the vague direction of Ronan. 

Adam’s downturned expression and stiff shoulders  _ somehow  _ did not abate at this. He scoffed, kicked at the tarmac at Ronan’s boots, his own uniform compliant shoes scruffier than Ronan’s ‘never been cleaned and I stepped in a cowpat’ docs, despite the fact that Ronan was sure Adam cleaned them to an inch of their life weekly. 

“Piss off,” Adam said, but with no heat to it. 

“Into your wheaties?” Ronan pressed, pushing away from the wall as he stood, knocked his shoulder against Adam’s. 

Adam sighed, didn’t reply, just kept walking. Ronan sighed as well, ducked to grab his bag, slung it over his shoulder, and then followed Adam. 

“Gansey get off ok?” Adam mumbled once Ronan fell in step with him. 

“Yeah sure,” Ronan shrugged, “didn’t realise he’d been having trouble jerking it, though.” 

Adam didn’t bother replying to this either. 

“Noah’s sent a million snapchats,” Ronan tried, stuffing his hand into his pocket to dig his phone out. “I haven’t opened any. Thought you’d be more interested.” 

He held the phone out until Adam took it, and then jostled Adam’s shoulders again until Adam unlocked the phone and opened snapchat. He waited until they were at their lockers, and then leaned against his before opening them, and Ronan slotted himself in beside him to watch with his chin on Adam’s shoulder. 

Noah had sent videos of the van ride there - of his various team mates sleeping or yelling or drawing on their sleeping seat mate -, of the hotel, of him brushing his teeth, of his rooms ceiling while his roommate snored, or his breakfast that morning, a handful of selfies of him on the toilet, and a video of a duck. 

Adam handed the phone back to Ronan, and scowling, Ronan took it. Adam took out his books for the day, Ronan didn’t bother with his, Adam mumbled something about seeing Ronan in Latin, went to class, Ronan stomped around the halls until mostly everyone was in class and then went to the bathroom instead. 

He wondered if it was because Gansey wasn’t here, or because Noah wasn’t here. That their absence was the reason that today the purpling bruise creeping up over Adam’s collar wasn’t accompanied by his usual defiance. Like he only wanted to put on a good face for them. Noah’s taking a shit selfies hadn’t even gotten a flicker of emotion out of Adam, and if Noah’s outrageous cheer couldn’t lift Adam out of the shadow of gloom he’d dipped himself in today, Ronan didn’t think he had a chance of doing shit all about it. 

It had always been easier to let Gansey be the one to acknowledge what happened to Adam. Because he could do it with a mostly level head, even if Adam never responded in kind or even positively. Ronan didn’t think he could. If he looked at it head on he was going to be  _ angry _ about it and he was pretty fucking sure Adam would respond to that worse than anything. 

-

Adam arrived almost late to Latin, slipping in just as the last bell sounded, and sat next to Ronan without a word. Adam usually looked happier than usual after his science classes because he was stupidly good at them, but not today. 

Gansey would ask Adam how he was doing. Would offer him a smile or some shit like that. 

Ronan bumped his boot against the side of Adam’s shoe, jostling his leg in greeting. 

“Mm,” Adam replied, busy already with leafing through his workbook while Whelk fussed about at his desk. 

“Did you do the homework?” Ronan asked, leaned back in his chair and cracked his back. 

Adam didn’t look up at him. 

“Of course,” he said. “Did you?” 

“Of course not,” Ronan snorted, “when’d I have time to do that?” 

A more… upbeat Adam would have replied something like  _ Oh I dunno, somewhere in between your mucking about and your fucking about? _ This version of Adam simply shrugged. Ronan knocked his foot with his boot again, watched as Adam withdrew his feet from under the desk, tucked them neatly under his chair instead. 

“So,” Ronan said, “I’m gonna head to the Barns tonight I think. No one at Monmouth to annoy.” 

A fantasy version of Adam, a version of Adam that Ronan occasionally daydreamed about, may have said something like  _ No one? You could annoy me. _

“Mm,” said Adam. 

“Don’t really feel like being alone,” Ronan pressed. 

“Mm.” 

Whatever. Class started. 

-

At lunch they sat in their usual spot, somehow odd without Gansey and Noah taking up space and air. Adam seeming smaller than usual. Ronan sprawling out on the grass, scowling at anyone who dared looked their way, trying to make up for the strange atmosphere. 

“Are you getting notes for Gansey?” Adam murmured, “Or Noah?” 

“No,” Ronan said, tore his sandwich venomously in half. “Gansey asked Cheng to take notes for him, like he doesn’t trust me or some shit. And Noah said he was just gonna free fall it.” 

Adam possibly rolled his eyes. Hard to tell when he was all bent over and ducked down towards his hands as he picked apart a muesli bar crumb by crumb to put in his mouth. His curls were heavy over his face, but they didn’t hide the downward tilt of his mouth. It would be easy to just put it to Ronan’s disdain for education, or to the ruckus of idiots around them, or the bruise that dipped in and out of sight behind his collar - popped up now. 

Ronan dropped half his sandwich on top of Adam’s maths book, a chunk of roast beef falling out and smearing a little on the open pages. Adam sighed. 

“I don’t like the mustard,” Ronan grunted, “it’s too sweet. More your taste.” 

“You didn’t need to be so gross about it,” Adam complained, picking the sandwich up anyway and taking a large bite. 

“I definitely did,” Ronan grinned at him, feeling something like a pebble breaking loose inside him, like he was finding an opening in a wall. He reached out, swiped the meat from the page and put in his mouth before wiping his thumb on the paper to clean some of the mess, and wiped the mess onto the grass. 

“Gross,” Adam repeated, took another bite, smaller now. 

It’d be easy to put Adam’s bad mood down to hunger as well. He was always hungry, running on fumes half the time, and he was always a little more tetchy when he hadn’t eaten yet. 

“Gansey and Noah won’t be back until late on Sunday,” Ronan said, speaking through a full mouthful just to see Adam shudder at how gross he was, “Probs won’t see them until Monday.” 

“Mm,” Adam said, back to non answers as he took another small bite. 

“Not gonna have anyone to annoy,” Ronan sighed, stretched luxuriously until his shirt rode up over his bellybutton. “Matthew’s too nice to pick up that he’s being picked on, and it’s not like I can annoy my mum.” 

Adam didn’t even treat this to an ‘mm’. 

Maybe Ronan had been wrong about them being friends now. Maybe Gansey was the only thing keeping them together. Maybe Adam didn’t even like Ronan at all. 

They went to class. Or, Adam went to class, and Ronan couldn’t be bothered going to a class with no friends and just ditched school entirely in favour of taking an impromptu speeding trip out of town and up a windy road tourist attraction that was blessedly empty during school term. 

-

He was going to go home. A quick drop in to Monmouth to grab Chainsaw and a jumper, but then straight to the Barns. He did his quick drop in to Monmouth. Locked up. Then took a detour to Boyd’s first. Adam ought to be turning up in a minute, school having let out a good half hour ago. He would have cycled home, dropped his school bag off, switched out his uniform for his overalls, got back on his bike, cycled here. Sometimes Ronan would drive him for this trip, sometimes Gansey would. Not right up to the trailer, of course, Adam hated it when they did that. 

When Adam arrived, he cycled over to the back of the BMW, and then dismounted and walked it over to the door Ronan had open, one foot hanging out. 

“What’re you doin’?” Adam asked, flat but not clipped. He still had his school bag on him, and he looked entirely ruffled. The points of his cheek bones pink, his hair scruffed like it never was in school. 

“Nothing,” Ronan defended, “why do you have your bag on you?” 

It was meant to be a casual jab, or, not even a jab, just genuine curiousity because Adam followed schedules and routine like his life depended on them, and it was weird to see him out of the set lines. 

Adam swallowed, dropped his bag to the ground with a resounding thunk, and leaned forwards until his head was pressed to the dusty exterior of the BMW.

“Got kicked out,” Adam mumbled. 

“The fuck,” Ronan said, shifted in his seat so he could lean more out of the car, could see what Adam’s face was doing. “For real?” 

“Just for today,” Adam said lowly, “‘til I learn not to be a condescendin’ brat.” 

“Right,” Ronan said, figured this was not the moment to tease Adam by saying he was a bit condescending. “Where’re you staying tonight then? Do you get to go home tonight?” 

Adam rolled his eyes, shook his head slowly, forehead rolling against the sleek metal. 

“Figured I’d volunteer to close up here,” he said, slow, “an’ just stay. Get up and out before openin’ again.” 

“Yeah, no,” Ronan snorted “piss off. You’re coming with me, you dumbass.” 

Adam didn’t reply. 

“Seriously?” Ronan continued, “You were just gonna sleep in that greasy garage? Pretend like you don’t have mates?” 

Adam didn’t reply. 

“Anyway,” Ronan cleared his throat. “Uh, I’m going to the Barns tonight, so, I’ll let mum know you’re coming too.” 

“Lynch,” Adam gritted out, “I don’t wanna -” 

“Fuck off,” Ronan said, “or else I’ll tell my mum that you’d prefer to sleep on concrete than eat her cooking.” 

“Low blow,” Adam said, though he sounded more relieved than anything. “Fine. I’ll bike out when I finish my shift.” 

“Come  _ on _ ,” Ronan groaned, like, how the hell was this idiot so dumb when he got top marks? “I’ll hang out here until you finish. No fucking point in the both of us going seperately.” 

“I’m hours away from finishing,” Adam countered, “so you may as well go.” 

Ronan shrugged, dragged his feet back inside the car, then leaned out again and dragged Adam’s bag in as well. Ignored Adam’s faint protest, and shut his car door before starting his car up and backing out. 

He didn’t go to the Barns. He drove into town, parked outside shake shack, and called Aurora. 

-

“Ro?” She answered, “You decide to come home, then?” 

“Yeah,” he clamped the phone between his ear and shoulder as he fumbled his glove box open to look for treats for Chainsaw who was possibly getting a little testy in her cage behind him. “But not for another couple of hours. Hey, mama.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Can I bring my friend home? Adam?” 

He pressed the treat between the bars, watched as Chainsaw snagged it easily, glanced out the window to make sure no one from school was nearby to watch him being polite and tame. 

“Adam?” Aurora asked, her surprise very evident in her voice. “He’s not come here before, has he?” She didn’t need to ask, she knew he hadn’t. 

“No,” Ronan said, “but uh. I asked him over tonight.” 

“Well of course he can stay,” Aurora said, not prying as Ronan had hoped she wouldn’t, “should I set up the guest room?” 

“Nah,” Ronan mumbled, “I’ll just have him in my room like Gansey.” 

“Ok,” Aurora said cheerfully, “I’ll see you this evening, darling, bye bye.” 

“Bye, ma,” Ronan said, hung up. 

-

He got shakes before driving back to Boyd’s near the end of Adam’s shift, drank half of his far too quickly so as to make it look like he hadn’t bought them specifically so close to Adam getting off, and his stomach decidedly did not like that, though luckily it kept its discomfort to itself (and Ronan) rather than gurgling noisily. 

Adam looked surprised to see him again, was in the middle of his putting his helmet on when Ronan pulled up. 

“I was gonna bike,” Adam said. 

“I said I’d give you a lift,” Ronan retorted, “put your bike in the back.” 

Adam did, then got in the passenger side, all greasy and pink cheeked and smelling far too good for someone who was definitely dirty and sweaty. 

“Your helmet hair sucks,” Ronan said, pulled swiftly out of the parking lot. 

-

It was truly like, fucking stupid that Adam hadn’t been to the Barns before. They tended to hang out at Monmouth seeing as that was central, and it wasn’t like Adam was the type to do sleepovers, hell, he’d never stayed over at Monmouth either. But like. It was weird. That he hadn’t been to Ronan’s house. Definitely weird. Adam obviously didn’t think it was as weird as Ronan did though, seeing as he fell asleep within five minutes after glaring at the shake Ronan offered him and chugging it all. His head caught against the seatbelt, mouth half open. Ronan felt an odd sense of obligation to be quiet, had even turned his stereo down, couldn’t do shit about Chainsaw’s singing in the backseat though. 

He drove there in silence - as much as Chainsaw would allow - and drove up the driveway just as the light was beginning to fade properly and his stomach beginning to growl for dinner. He parked a little closer to the house than usual, close enough that the porch light lit the gravel between them and the front door, nudged Adam awake. 

“C’mon,” Ronan said when Adam blinked at him, “I’ll show you ‘round before dinner.” 

-

Adam followed him onto the porch, through the front door. They paused to take their shoes off, and then Ronan grabbed Adam’s bag from where he’d put it take his shoes off, grabbed Chainsaw’s (now empty) cage (he’d let her out when they’d arrived), and set off for the staircase, leaving Adam to keep following him. 

“Staircase,” Ronan said informatively as they climbed. Adam snorted a half grumble. “Hallway,” Ronan gestured, listened to Adam sigh in annoyance. “Bathroom through there, Matthew’s down there, Declan’s old room there, Mum’s room at the end over there, my room,” he nodded in the direction of each room, finished with a flourish at his room as he shoved the door open with his shoulder. 

“Messy,” Adam observed, standing still in the doorway while Ronan stomped inside, dumping Adam’s bag by the bed and Chainsaw’s cage on his desk. 

“You sound like Declan,” Ronan said, then, “uh. We should go let mum know we’re here.” 

-

Adam slid into his extremely charming and polite Henrietta boy costume as soon as they found Aurora, and offered to help with dinner, and then to help with chores, and had to be all but forced to go sit down and chillax. Aurora peppered him with questions while they ate (sausage and apple dumpling soup), and Matthew talked at him about sports, and Adam answered questions politely and fielded Matthew’s enthusiasm kindly, smiled at Ronan when Ronan knocked their ankles together under the table in an effort to make sure that he was doing  _ ok _ and wasn’t being smothered by the Lynch’s untameable presence. 

Afterwards, once Adam had been gently dissuaded from doing the dishes by Aurora, and Matthew had been set to doing the dishes, Adam took a shower, and Ronan followed his mother around the house in a way that was not at all sly. 

“Why don’t you come out and say it, huh, honey?” She asked while she poked a large log into the fireplace (the Autumn chill didn’t really require a fire yet, but it was nice anyway). 

Ronan, hovering in the lounge doorway shrugged obsequiously. “Dunno what you mean,” he said. 

Aurora finished with the log, brushed her hands off on the fronts of her jeans and straightened up before turning to look at Ronan. 

“Ronan,” she said. 

“Do you like him?” Ronan asked, words stumbling in his rush to get them out before anyone could prove it was him who was asking. 

“Adam?” Aurora asked, leaned against the side of the fireplace, raised her eyebrows at him. “You know we’ve met before.” 

“Not like this.” 

“He’s a lovely young man,” Aurora said slowly, “very bright, very focused. Very anxious.” 

“Right,” Ronan said, “but do you  _ like _ him.” 

“Yeah,” she said softly, “I do. I’m glad he’s your friend.” 

Ronan nodded, moved to withdraw, his need to follow his mum around settled. 

“His bruise,” Aurora said quietly, stalling Ronan. “It doesn’t look accidental.” 

This wasn’t Ronan’s secret to hand over. He shrugged. 

“Something about him makes me worry,” Aurora said, then, possibly reading something on Ronan’s face, carried on quickly. “For him. Worry for him. He’s not very… happy, is he?” 

Ronan shook his head slowly. Adam could be happy. Was often happy. He laughed with him and Gansey, and Noah. Mucked around with them all. He clearly showed his happiness enough that when he wasn’t happy Ronan took notice immediately, but---- 

But no, he wasn’t happy. 

“Well,” Aurora said briskly, “we’ll have to do something about that, won’t we?” 

-

Back upstairs he found Adam standing awkwardly in the middle of his room, a t-shirt on but the bath towel still around his waist. He startled when Ronan stepped in, gripped the edge of the towel tighter. 

“Airing yourself out?” Ronan asked, picking his way through his mess to drop down heavily onto his bed. 

“I realised I don’t have…” Adam began, cut himself off, shook his head, started again. “I didn’t bring pajamas. I didn’t expect to be sleeping somewhere warm enough to want them.” 

“Borrow some of mine,” Ronan said immediately, “or just wear undies. I don’t care, man.” 

Adam exhaled heavily, then looked around at the floor. “Am I supposed to just grab something out of your floor wardrobe then?” he asked wryly, “Or is there a cleaner option?” 

“Piss off,” Ronan snorted, pleased that Adam was comfortable enough to be amused. “Top drawer in the dresser behind you.” 

Adam shuffled around, kicked a random slipper, peered into the already open drawer, and pulled out a pair of (embarrassingly) cowboy covered pj pants. 

“Nice, Lynch,” Adam said, grinned even. 

Ronan, hoping Adam wouldn’t look around enough to find the cowboy boots, shrugged and said; “Yeehaw.” 

Adam did not put the pants on, just held them and looked at Ronan. 

He had this… horrible ability to look at Ronan in such a way that Ronan felt like he was entirely stripped bare. Like Adam could see through, not only the facade he wore to school, but also the mask he wore even with his friends and family. Like he saw  _ Ronan _ and not --- not the fucked up version of him, or the cruel version of him, or the broken and badly glued version of him. The Ronan he  _ wanted so fucking badly  _ to be. 

“Um,” Adam said, “d’you mind like, turning around or something so I can finish gettin’ dressed?” 

Oh. 

“Right,” Ronan grunted, swivelled around on one foot and a t-shirt and faced the wall. 

“Ok,” Adam said, a few moments later, “thanks.” 

“Whatever,” Ronan shrugged, “uh. Matthew’s gonna start some video game in a minute and he’d love it if you’d join. I’m gonna have a shower.” 

“Oh,” Adam said, “ok.” 

-

After his shower he dressed quickly - sweat pants not anymore of his excitingly decorated pj pants - and went downstairs to join Adam and Matthew in the lounge playing games. Aurora was in the corner, a blanket on her lap, a book in her hand. They played until Matthew began yawning and was sent to bed, and then Adam said he wanted to do some homework, so he sat at the kitchen table with his books and papers spread out in front of him, and Ronan lingered around for a while trying to convince himself to do homework because then he had a reason for sitting there with Adam, and then went out to go check on the cows. 

He was still out there, in the barn, leaning against the flank of the one awake cow - Doris Plum - while she snuffled thoughtfully against his palm, when the small door opened, and Adam poked his head in. 

“Um,” he said into the quiet, “Ronan?” 

“Yeah,” Ronan replied, stuck his leg out far enough that Adam would be able to see him around the hay bale he and Doris Plum were sitting behind. 

Adam closed the door behind him, then made his way into the barn, appeared in front of Ronan wearing Matthew’s gumboots and a soft expression. 

“Hey,” Adam mumbled, looking down at Ronan and Doris, “um. Your mama says you should come in before you catch cold.” 

Ronan was wearing his jacket, wasn’t cold at all, especially not sitting snug against Doris who was as good as a space heater. 

“I’m warm,” he said, shrugged his shoulder and nodded to one side, “Sit down. We don’t need to go in yet.” 

Adam hesitated, and Ronan scoffed. 

“They’re my pants,” he pointed out, “You don’t gotta worry about getting them dirty.” 

Adam gave him a sour look, then stepped carefully closer in before sitting down slowly opposite Ronan and the Doris. 

“Nah,” Ronan said, rolled his eyes and leaned forwards to grab at Adam’s wrist. “Over here. Against Doris.” 

“Your cow is called Doris?” Adam asked, not resisting as Ronan tugged him across the gap between them and rearranged him by his side, “Is it safe?” 

“Would I be sitting here if it wasn’t?” 

“Yeah, probably,” Adam shot back. 

Ronan conceded. “It’s perfectly safe. Yeah,  _ Doris _ is totally chill. She loves snuggling.” 

“Hm,” Adam mumbled, leaned back carefully until his head was resting on her, closed his eyes. 

“Finish your homework?” Ronan asked, then carefully tacked on; “Nerd.” 

Adam elbowed him, kept his eyes closed. “Yeah,” he said, “enough.” 

“Hot choc?” Ronan asked, his cheek against Doris, his eyes on Adam’s profile, his freckles, his light lashes, his --- 

Adam opened his eyes. “Yeah,” he said, “sounds good.” 

-

“Have you sorted out Adam’s sleeping arrangement?” Aurora asked, coming into the kitchen while Ronan was putting marshmallows in the hot chocolates. 

Adam, who had been perched at the counter with his head down on it, sat up straighter; either at the question or at the presence of someone who he might think would tell him off for putting his face on the counter. 

“Or,” Aurora continued, before Ronan could answer, “is he just going to sleep where Gansey sleeps?” 

“Uh,” Ronan said. 

“Yeah,” Adam shrugged, “I’m happy to do that. Sleep where Gansey sleeps. Whatever’s easiest.” 

“Ok,” Aurora said, smiled cheerily at Adam, “well. I’m off to bed, so goodnight boys.” She crossed over to Ronan, kissed his cheek, smiled again at Adam, and left again. 

“Uh,” Ronan said again, picking both the hot chocolates up and turning around carefully. “Just so you know, like, Gansey just sleeps in my bed with me. So like. If you’re not comfortable with that, then like, uh -” 

“Oh,” Adam said, sounded surprised, “uh. Nah. That’s easiest, right? I mean. Unless you’re uncomfortable with it?” 

Ronan was definitely stuck between a rock and a hard place here. 

“It’s fine with me,” he said, possibly too quickly, “c’mon, let’s go to my room then.” 

-

Drinking hot chocolate side by side sitting on the bed was fine. So was fucking about playing a quick game of cards on top of the duvet. Almost the same as when Gansey slept over here. Definitely not at all the same when they turned off the light and Ronan stuck himself firmly against the wall under the blankets and Adam slid in next to him and their thighs were touching and  _ Adam fucking Parrish was in bed with him _ . 

“Um,” Adam said, after an uncomfortably long silence, “Thanks. For, uh, inviting me.” 

God, he hated it when Adam was polite to him. 

“Whatever,” he said, shifted so he could elbow Adam in the side, “Gansey would have lectured me half to death if he found out I let you sleep in the garage.” 

Adam was silent again for a long moment, and then he nodded, a sharp rough movement. 

“Yeah, Gansey,” he said. 

Ronan stared into the middle darkness, trying to work out if the edge of Adam’s voice was exhaustion, or pain, or anger, or something else entirely. 

Adam spoke again. 

“Do you get a gold star every time you do something nice for me, then?” 

Ronan gaped, rolled over onto his side and then shuffled backwards so he wasn’t plastered against Adam’s side. 

“The  _ fuck _ ,” he hissed, “what?” 

Adam cleared his throat. “I mean,” he said, sharp, “I get it. You tolerate me for Gansey’s sake. You don’t need to… rub it in.” 

Adam was an idiot. 

“I don’t fucking -- shit,” Ronan snapped, shoved Adam’s shoulder, “I don’t tolerate you, you asshole. I was making a damn joke. You’re my fucking friend, you absolute shit for brains.” 

Maybe he was mixing the message, never mind. 

Adam was quiet for longer still, just breathing loudly through his nose, letting Ronan grip his shoulder hard. 

“Dumb joke,” he said eventually. 

“You’re the dumb one,” Ronan shot back, not meanly. Adam was so fucking tense under his hand, like he was still preparing to just get up and run. 

“I’m tired,” Adam said, his go to excuse - though it always seemed to be true. 

“Go to sleep, then,” Ronan grunted, “and I’m saying that as your  _ friend _ not as some fucking extension of Gansey.” 

Adam nodded, a small tight movement that Ronan could barely make out in the dark, and then shifted, rolling onto his side facing Ronan, knocking Ronan’s hand off of his shoulder. Ronan pulled his hand back to the safety of his own body, wondered if he ought to say something else. Rolled over to face the wall. Willed himself asleep. 

-

He had never been a good sleeper. He was good at going to sleep, but not good at staying asleep. He had an insomnia which was excessively annoying because it involved been awake and asleep and awake and asleep and it felt like he was getting no sleep at all and -

It had been getting a bit better recently, but he still woke up several times during the night. It felt almost like a secret, waking up in the dark with Adam in his bed. Adam with his face pressed against the pillow and his hand folded against Ronan’s back. Adam with his back to Ronan and his arm hanging off the side of the bed and his t-shirt rucked up at the back so a whole expanse of spine was visible alongside a violent pattern of bruising that Ronan had thought (hoped) was limited to his collarbone. Adam facing Ronan again, curled towards him, with his hand outstretched and his fingers touching the front of Ronan’s shirt. 

  
  


When he woke the last time, the sun pouring in through the gaps of his curtain, his alarm beeping grumpily from under his pillow, Adam was already sitting up and rubbing blearily at his face. 

“Grm,” Ronan grunted in Adam’s general direction, fumbling around under his pillow for the right button to turn the fucking noise off. “Slpok?” 

“Yeah,” Adam said, “I slept ok. You?” 

“Like a baby,” Ronan said, which was to say, of course, that he slept badly and woke constantly needing comfort and now he was very hungry. “Breakfast?” 

-

Ronan drove them to school, Matthew in the backseat, Adam in the passenger, his music turned up loud enough to hurt even his ear drums. Matthew yelling from the back, content to try and converse even in this noise. Adam just nodding at him, definitely not hearing any of what was being said, but more interested in revising notes for the Latin quiz that morning than putting any effort into arguing with Ronan about turning the music down. 

They got there, Matthew tumbled out to go find his equally chatty friends, and Ronan followed Adam to Latin. 

The quiz went well according to Adam’s small smile as they left class, and they talked about it for longer than Ronan would have liked- all through morning tea - but it did mean he got to brag about his skill in declensions, so there was that. Plus Adam was distracted and ate half of Ronan’s chips before he realised what he was doing. They had history together next, in which Adam usually sat next to Gansey, but Ronan sat in Gansey’s seat instead and pissed Adam off the entire class by writing dumb shit on Adam’s notes. 

Lunch time was almost normal. Only almost because it was still lacking Noah and Gansey, but at least today Adam was acting mostly normal. He wasn’t all smiley or anything, because that wasn’t  _ Adam _ usually, but he was happy to talk shit with Ronan and engage in a peanut pelting war, and to share a sausage roll with Ronan, and to let Ronan nap with his head in his lap because  _ Noah’s lap isn’t here to nap in, so like, Parrish, it’s your duty to let me nap on your lap _ . 

Adam scrawled in one of his workbooks, balancing it on Ronan’s shoulder, and Ronan pretended he wasn’t having a very quiet heart attack because his cheek was pressed against Adam’s thigh and Adam’s hand was resting on his head. He didn’t know if anyone was being weird about this situation, because he was very carefully ignoring anything that wasn’t the faint pulse of Adam’s heart beat that he could feel beside his own pulse. 

-

“You’re going back home tonight, yeah?” Ronan mumbled when they got out of school, him walking close enough to Adam that their shoulders knocked with every step. 

“Yeah,” Adam said, “I mean. So long as I’m - yeah. I’m good tonight.” 

“Ok,” Ronan said, shrugged. “See you Monday, I guess.” 

“Ok,” Adam said. 

-

Back at home, he attempted to race with Chainsaw, but she kept cheating by crossing difficult to splash across rivers, and nipping over steep hills, so he had to give up. He settled for sliding on his ass down one of the hills he’d scrambled up trying to keep his eye on his fucking asshole bird, completely muddying his pants, and also ripping one pocket completely off. Oh well. It was only his uniform. 

He helped his mum with dinner, sat down with Matthew to help him puzzle out his science homework, ate dinner, did the dishes, fidgeted like he was on hot coals on the couch. Adam had his factory shift tonight. He’d be finished in just over half an hour. What was he gonna do if he couldn’t go home? Was he gonna try and close up the factory? Sleep there in the dust and chill of that fucking place? Would he go to Boyd’s and break in? Find a good bus shelter? Go to the 24hr diner and spend all his meager check on enough coffee to let him stay the rest of the night. 

“I’ve gotta, uh-” Ronan mumbled, vaulting himself off of the couch, “uh, ma, I gotta go into town for a bit. I - uh - I gotta - I forgot something -” 

Aurora glanced up at him from where she was sitting (right next to where Ronan had been sitting about three seconds ago), and then back to her cross stitch (it was going to be a pigeon smoking a pipe). “Be back before eleven,” she said, “and don’t speed.” 

“Ok,” Ronan said, all but dashed out of the room. 

-

People were trickling out of the factory as he arrived, and he sat in his idling car, scanning those who were already out for Adam’s give away curls. He jolted when Adam tapped lightly on the passenger side window, then leaned over to open the door. Adam leaned in, looking as relieved as he looked confused, his bike balanced against his side, his back pack on. 

“So, uh,” Ronan said, “you still a condescending brat?” 

Adam shrugged, “‘pparently,” he said, obviously aiming for levity. “Funny how it works, huh.” 

“What’d you do this time?” Ronan asked, pushing his luck, “Study too hard?” 

“I’ve been told I have a… rude face,” Adam said, then, “what’re you doing here?” 

“Let’s not play that charade,” Ronan said, “put your bike in the back.” 

Adam apparently also did not want to play that charade, because he simply stepped away and waited for Ronan to pop the boot, then put his bike in, chucked his bag after, and came back to slide into the passenger seat. 

“So,” Adam said, a few long minutes later, when the scenery outside had changed from dark buildings to far off lights and trees. “You drove in just on the off chance?” 

“Mmhm,” Ronan said, “also I wanted fries.” 

“Huh,” Adam said. 

“Which reminds me,” Ronan added, “let’s go get fries.” 

-

He would have texted Aurora, but, in his rush to get in town in time, he had forgotten his phone seeing as it was never his number one priority to have on him. Instead, he assured Adam that she would be fine with it, and coasted on the knowledge that his mother wouldn’t turn down shelter to anyone. 

“Oh,” Aurora says, when Ronan appears in the lounge doorway with Adam behind him. “Adam, honey, have you eaten?” 

“Uh,” Adam said. 

“We just had fries,” Ronan offered. 

“That’s not dinner,” Aurora countered, “we have some leftover lasagne if  _ either _ of you are hungry.” 

“Thank you, ma’am,” Adam said. 

Ronan rolled his eyes at the level of polite Adam always seemed to fall right into whenever he was around Aurora, elbowed Adam, and then stiffened as Adam let out an actual audible huff of pain. He glanced sharply over his shoulder at Adam, but he’d already smoothed his face out and was looking at the floor. 

“I’m hungry,” Ronan said, “so we’re, uh, we’re gonna go eat. Thanks ma.” 

“Clean up after yourselves,” Aurora called after them. 

Ronan plated a large slice of lasagne, stuck it in the microwave, leaned against the counter and watched it circle around and around until Adam sighed heavily from behind him where he’d perched at the counter again. 

“I bruised a rib,” Adam said, “it’s nothing bad.” 

Ronan snorted, kept watching the lasagne. 

“It barely broke the skin,” Adam continued. “And you were the one who elbowed me, so stop being such a piss baby.” 

Ronan glanced at him over his shoulder, then conceded and turned entirely to face Adam, folded his arms, leaned against the counter. 

“Bruised it at the factory?” 

Adam shrugged, nodded. 

“God,” Ronan snapped, “sure.” 

“Why the hell would you say it if you didn’t want that lie?” Adam snapped back, immediately as angry sounding as Ronan felt. “You can’t set me up for a trap and then be pissed I stepped in it.” 

“Yeah?” Ronan gritted out, “Funny how I’m pissed off then.” 

“You’re impossible,” Adam said, cold, “what the hell do you even want me to say?” 

“The truth?” Ronan said, “Maybe? For once in your life?” 

Adam narrowed his eyes at him, pulled his shoulders in tight. 

“Ok,” he said. “Here’s the truth. I don’t like you very much right now.”

The microwave dinged. Ronan tugged the lasagne out, smacked it down on the counter in front of Adam, grabbed a fork, stuck it in the lasagne. 

“Like I give a fuck,” he said as steadily as he could. “I’m going to shower. I don’t give a fuck what you do.” 

It was probably pretty hypocritical for him to be spouting those lies when he was so mad at Adam for lying. Maybe not though, seeing as it wasn’t the lying he was actually mad about. Seeing as it wasn’t Adam he was actually mad at. He left the room. 

-

When he got out of the shower and returned to his room, towel around his waist, Adam was waiting for him, sitting on the bed. 

Ronan avoided looking at him, stomped wetly around to scrounge up his pajamas from the previous night which he’d unceremoniously left on his bookshelf. He tugged his shirt on where it caught and stuck on his wet stomach and shoulders, and then pulled his pants on under his towel which was possibly the least graceful thing he had ever done. Then he threw his towel at his chair, missed his chair, his towel landed on a cowboy boot. Camouflage. 

“Gonna kick me out?” Adam asked, voice dry and nasty. “Or do you still not give a fuck?” 

Ronan shook his head, crossed over to his window to push it open a bit more for Chainsaw. 

“He kicked me,” Adam said, “is that the fucking truth you wanted to hear? He pushed me over and kicked me. Is that good to hear? Is that better than my lie? Are you happy now?” 

“Fuck,” Ronan groaned, finally turned to look at Adam who was still sitting on the bed, his fingers digging into his thighs, his face set squarely. “No, shit. No. Why the fuck would I be happy?” 

“I thought that was all y’cared about,” Adam pressed, “tellin’ the truth. Who cares how ugly the truth is, right? Who cares if you don’t tell the truth, right? But I gotta spill all my ugly, don’t I? I gotta prove it t’you?” 

If Ronan was a complete idiot who hadn’t figured out how upset Adam had been downstairs, he would have figured it out now. He wasn’t a complete idiot, but it still hit him hard just how far he’d pushed Adam without realising. 

“Ok, fine!” Ronan said, voice erring slightly on the side of a shout rather than a simply raised voice. “Ok!” he cleared his throat, adjusted his volume, “I just hate - I don’t fucking - you don’t have to tell me  _ shit _ , Parrish. I just hate you protecting that piece of worthless shit.” 

“Oh,” Adam’s voice was still icy, “you mean my father?” 

“Yeah,” Ronan barked. 

Adam was silent for a moment, when he spoke again, he was still chilly, but thawed considerably. “I’m not protecting him,” he said. 

“Bullshit,” Ronan said, because apparently he never knew where to stop. 

“I’m not,” Adam snapped, “it’s fucking embarrassing, ok? I don’t wanna tell people my dad beats up on me. I don’t care that y’all already know it’s still embarrassing. It’s easier when people can pretend it ain’t true, you ass.” 

Now it was Ronan’s turn to take a moment. He cleared his throat. 

“I’m not people,” he mumbled. 

Adam scoffed, then sighed, then just flopped backwards on Ronan’s bed, his feet still on the floor. 

“I’m an asshole,” Ronan offered, “I know I am. I know I shouldn’t be. I’m. Sorry.” 

Adam sighed again. Ronan stepped closer. Adam’s eyes were closed. He looked more tired than he had yesterday. 

“Did you eat?” 

“Yeah,” Adam said, his voice finally back to normal, “rinsed the plate and left it on the bench. I can go back and… proper wash it if you want.” 

“Nah,” Ronan shook his head despite knowing that Adam couldn’t see. “You want a shower?” 

“Yeah,” Adam said. 

“Your towel’s still on the rack,” Ronan mumbled. “Uh, and there’s a spare toothbrush under the sink. Forgot to say last night. Sorry. And uh. Behind the mirror. There’s like. Arnica. For your bruises. Other shit like that. If you need it. And the pants from yesterday are in the top of the laundry basket in the bathroom.” 

“Ok,” Adam said. 

“Um,” Ronan said, “I’m gonna make a tea. Peppermint. Want one?” 

“Ok.” 

“Ok,” Ronan repeated, escaped downstairs. 

Aurora came to find him in the kitchen while he waited for the kettle to boil. 

“Did you two sort out your tiff?” She asked gently, leaning against the door frame. “Are you alright?” 

“Yeah,” Ronan mumbled to the tea bags he was placing in the mugs. “It was just… just me being stupid.” 

“Hm,” Aurora said. Pushed away from the door to come up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist. “Is that so?” 

“Mostly, yeah,” Ronan said, “you know me. I’m an idiot. An asshole idiot.” 

“That’s not the Ronan I know,” Aurora replied, not sharply but definitely firmly. “But do tell me, how were you being such a rude idiot?” 

Ronan swallowed, let himself let back into his mother’s arms, her hair tickling his neck. 

“I always push too much,” he grunted. “It’s like Declan says. I either say too much or not enough.” 

“That’s all three of you,” Aurora said, “well, except Matty. He just talks a lot.” 

“I half expected him to have just left,” Ronan mumbled. 

“What did you say too much of?” 

“Ugh,” Ronan shut his eyes, leaned his head back on Aurora’s shoulder. “I can’t - well. I found out last night that I didn’t say enough about actually being his friend, because like, he didn’t seem to know that he is my friend until last night and -” Now he was saying too much for sure. 

“Hm,” Aurora said, squeezed him gently. “But he knows now?” 

“Yeah.” 

“And you don’t want to tell me what you said too much of?” 

“Nah.” 

“Ok. Are you ok?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Is Adam ok?” 

“...Kinda?” 

“Ok,” Aurora said, “you let me know if it becomes less than kinda, alright?” 

“Mhm,” 

“And,” Aurora added, “you know you can tell me anything, yes? I don’t mind if you say too much, or too little. I just want you talking to me, darling.” 

Ronan swallowed. Nodded. The kettle boiled. 

-

Adam was sitting on the bed when he got back upstairs, a mug in each hand. At first glance Ronan thought he just hadn’t moved since Ronan had left, but a second glance revealed that he was indeed in the cowboy pants and his hair was damp. Ronan spoke before giving himself time to chicken out. 

“Can I see your rib?” He asked, “Like, I’m sure you’d know if it’s broken, but I just - I’ve broken a rib before and like, yeah. Can I look?” 

Adam looked surprised, but he shrugged and lifted the corner of his shirt. 

“Ok,” he said, “if it’ll make you feel better or whatever.” 

Ronan put the mugs down on his over crowded bedside table, then sat down next to Adam. He waited for Adam to pull his shirt up as much as he wanted to, and then bent down a little to get a better look. 

The bruising was… kind of horrific. And it was grazed in a long stripe. Shallow enough, though. His ribs didn’t look out of place, just… painful. He pressed the tips of his fingers gently against the bone, pressed as carefully as he could, listened to the intake of Adam’s breath, repeated the movement a little further along. Left his hand where it was. 

“I’m sorry,” he said. 

“Wow,” Adam mumbled, “this must be a record. How many times have you said that tonight?” 

“Shut it,” Ronan grumbled, “I just - it’s not broken.” 

“Ok,” Adam said. 

“But what I meant,” Ronan pressed on, still keeping his eyes focused on his hand on Adam’s skin because that was easier than looking up and meeting his gaze. “Is that I’m fucking  _ sorry _ I hadn’t made it clear that I - that we’re friends, for fucks sake. I thought you knew.” 

Adam made an odd noise, dropped his shirt. Ronan pulled his hand back before it became weird - him having his hand under Adam’s shirt. 

“I did know,” Adam said, “of course I knew. I just. I was angry the other night. I know we’re friends. I’m not an idiot.” 

“Ok,” Ronan breathed, “ok. Good. Cool.” 

“Idiot,” Adam said, fond all of a sudden. 

They drank the tea. They played messy hands of speed until one of them (Ronan) knocked his mug and spilled the remaining tea onto his sheets. They turned off the light and got into bed. Chainsaw flew in and settled into her perch. Adam shifted carefully, Ronan very aware of the need for him not to be on his bruised rib, holding himself against the wall until Adam found a comfy-ish position. 

In the dark and quiet, Adam spoke again. 

“I’m sorry too,” he said, voice very low, “for losing my temper.” 

“Mm,” Ronan said. 

“I don’t mean to be shitty,” Adam continued, “I try not to be. I’ll try harder.” 

“I’m pretty shitty too,” Ronan whispered back, “we could just be shitty together.” 

Adam snorted a small bubble of laughter into the space between them, and then his hand was touching Ronan’s shoulder. 

“I don’t want to,” he said, then before Ronan could feel quite as heavy as those words made him think, carried on quick. “I don’t wanna be shitty. I don’t think you wanna be shitty either.” 

Ronan let that sink in. Thought about how he lucky he was that he had the friends he had. Gansey who never gave up on him. Noah who always cheered for him. Adam to balance him. How fucking lucky he was. 

“I don’t,” he agreed, “I don’t.” 

“Ok,” Adam said, as firm as if they’d shaken on a contract, “ok then.” 

In another world maybe, Ronan would have pressed forwards here. He would have sealed the contract with a kiss. 

In this world, he closed his eyes and focused on the feeling of Adam’s hand on his shoulder, of his fingers brushing his skin, of his warmth in the bed. 

In this world he pushed it in an entirely different way. A possibly more important way. 

“Do you think they’ve kicked you out for good?” He asked, felt Adam’s hand tighten on him. 

“No,” Adam replied, slow, “no. They’re not gonna give up free labour so fast. He just… he just wants to teach me a lesson. So. Don’t worry. I’m not gonna crash here forever.” 

“You could,” Ronan said, “my mum would be fine with it. We have a spare room. We have the space. If you wanted to, you could.” 

Adam didn’t reply. 

“You don’t have to go home, Parrish,” Ronan tried, “you could stay here, or you could -” 

“I can’t,” Adam cut in, finally withdrew his hand, wrapping it around himself as if he needed protection from Ronan’s words. “I can’t. I can’t stay here. I - I can’t stay at Monmouth. I don’t want to feel - to be - it would feel like pity. I can’t do that.” 

“Cutting off your nose to spite your face,” Ronan mumbled. 

“What?” 

“Nothing.” 

Adam was silent then, not contemplating what Ronan had meant, he obviously knew, was just daring Ronan to repeat it. When he spoke, his voice was unsure, unsteady. 

“I don’t want anyone to help me,” he said. 

“Masochist,” Ronan said. 

“Because,” Adam said, “because I won’t always have people to help. I need to know I can look after myself by myself when that happens. If I rely on you - or, or Gansey, then I won’t be able to do shit when I’m by myself, when -” 

“Bullshit,” Ronan said. 

“It’s  _ not _ .” 

“Is,” Ronan replied, possibly a little childishly, “you’re not gonna be by yourself. I thought you said you knew we were friends? I don’t do things by halves. If we’re friends now we’re friends forever. Got it? You’re stuck with me for life.” 

“God.” 

“Yeah,” Ronan nodded violently, “And Gansey? You see how tight he holds onto things he likes. You’re stuck with him too. Definitely stuck with Noah. It’s stupid to live your life preparing constantly for the worst.” 

“Why?” Adam said, cleared his throat loudly, “So much of my life has already  _ been _ the worst. It’s just logical to assume it’ll continue in the same pattern.” 

“Pretty rude of you to classify your time being friends with us as the worst,” Ronan replied, “and I get that Aglionby is pretty shitty, but your grades are ridiculously good, so obviously your university isn’t going to be the worst. I think if we look at your life on a scale it’s obviously getting better, so if we’re looking at this logically your life is gonna keep getting better and you should only be preparing for the best.” 

“That’s not logical,” Adam mumbled, didn’t protest anything else. 

“I’m not saying you should let us fund your fucking life,” Ronan continued, “I’m just fucking saying you should fucking let us give you a fucking hand.” 

“Oh you fucking are, huh?” 

“Fuck off.” 

Adam was quiet again, maybe lost in thought, maybe tired, maybe just fucking off for a bit. His eyes were shut. 

“I don’t know what else to do,” he said eventually. “I already have my plan. I grit my teeth and bear it until, and if, I get a good scholarship. I go to university. Hopefully then things change. I don’t know what I could do in the between to make things  _ better _ .” 

“Move out,” Ronan said, promptly. 

“It’s not that easy.” 

“Could be,” Ronan nudged Adam carefully, “if you let us help.” 

“You sound like you have a hard on for helping all of a sudden,” Adam complained. 

“You were the one who pointed out that I don’t wanna be shitty anymore,” Ronan said, nudged Adam again. “Think about it. I’m not saying you have to do anything right away. I’m just saying. We can do stuff. You can do stuff. To make things better than they are now.” 

“The best thing I can think of right now,” Adam said, “is to sleep.” 

“Too easy,” Ronan scoffed, “fine. Wish granted. Go to sleep.” 

Adam snorted, and then his hand was on Ronan’s shoulder again, firm, deliberate. 

“Thank you,” he said. 

“Whatever,” Ronan replied. 

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided this actually needed to be 3 chapters or else I'd lose all momentum!
> 
> NB: RDB gtfo.

Waking up on Saturday was usually something that Ronan did extremely slowly, putting off actually opening his eyes until his stomach was growling too loudly to ignore, or his bladder was putting enough pressure on him to bend. 

This Saturday he woke up at some stupidly early hour when Adam kneed him in the stomach while rolling over. 

“Fuck,” Ronan groaned out, flailing sideways to shove at Adam’s shoulder, “any lower and you’d’ve shoved my nuts up into my guts.” 

“Why’re you so gross,” Adam moaned back, shifting away from Ronan’s flailing hand, “it’s too early to deal with this.” 

“Too early to be mortally wounded,” Ronan retorted, shoving himself up into a semi sitting position so he could try and stretch the pain into nothingness. “Do you have work this morning?” 

“Not ‘til noon,” Adam yawned, cracked one eye open to squint up at Ronan, “so shut up an’ lemme sleep.” 

“Hm,” Ronan grumbled, flopping back down again, and shuffling around under the duvet. “But I’m awake now.” 

“God.” 

Ronan attempted, for maybe a full minute, to go back to sleep. Apparently his sleep tank was well full, because all he got was twitchy. Fuck. If he hadn’t been woken up he could have just kept on being unconscious for at least a couple more hours before his brain reminded him that it didn’t like staying still. He kicked his side of the blankets off, and pushed himself out of bed, climbing over Adam. 

“I gotta get up,” he mumbled as he scrambled, “I’m hungry. Sleep ‘til whenever.” 

-

When Adam got up - barely half an hour later - Ronan had fed the chickens and let the cows out and was sitting, fidgety in the kitchen at the scrubbed wooden table while his mother stood at the stove making enough scrambled eggs for the country and gently prodding him about his emotions. It was a relief when Adam appeared in the doorway, a little mussed looking but dressed and awake and possibly having overheard Aurora calling Ronan her little baby hedgehog. 

“Do you like scrambled eggs, Adam?” Aurora asked, happy to ditch her Ronan teasing for Adam cosseting, “There’s a stack of toast keeping warm in the oven too, Ronan, get that will you?” 

“I like eggs any way,” Adam replied, voice automatically polite even while raspy with sleep, “can I help, ma’am?” 

“You can sit down at the table and prod Ronan until he gets up to grab the toast and butter,” Aurora replied, sending a quick grin over her shoulder. 

Adam sat next to Ronan, reached lazily over the space between them. Ronan allowed this, got prodded, stood up. 

“Do you want you toast with the eggs?” He asked as he stood, “Or would you prefer to have jam toast?” 

“Uh,” Adam said, glanced from Aurora’s back to Ronan, “can I have both?” 

“Sure,” Ronan shrugged, “s’long as you’re not having them together.” 

Matthew came then, thundering down the stairs and trotting happily into the kitchen. Unlike the rest of them, he was still in his pajamas, a jumper pulled haphazardly over his pj top, hair every which way. Matthew had gotten curls, like the rest of them, but his hair was several shades lighter than his brother’s and served to make him look like an over eager sunbeam in the morning with it all frizzed out in a halo around him. 

“Adam,” he said happily, dropping himself all floppy into Ronan’s chair next to Adam, “I thought I heard your voice last night.” 

“Hi Matthew,” Adam said, gave him the kind of soft smile that Ronan had always had to work hard on earning, “yeah. I got here a bit late.” 

“I was gonna come out and say hi,” Matthew replied, “but I was reading a creepy book and I was like, pretty sure that if I left my room I was gonna be eaten. It’s cool that you’re here though! Ronan never has anyone but Gansey over.” 

“Noah comes over too,” Ronan interrupted, using a teatowel to grab the tray of toast from the oven, “Gansey’s not my only friend, you little ass.” 

“Ok,” Matthew grinned, “but Gansey’s the only one who stays the night.” 

It wasn’t like Matthew was spilling secrets or anything, but it still felt a little bit too personal for the morning. Ronan clattered the tray down in front of him, a piece of toast falling off the stack and landing in Matthew’s lap, and turned around to fetch the butter and jams. 

-

Aftwards, Ronan loaned Adam a pair of gumboots and trudged outside with Adam behind him to chop and fetch more firewood. 

“I’m not sure if I’ll be able to go home tonight,” Adam said, once they’d both taken a turn chopping and Ronan was trying to decide if they should make more kindling or just grab logs now. “Do you think - would it be ok if I stayed here again?” 

“Sure,” Ronan grunted, doing his best to sound off hand, “I can drop you off at work and pick you up again after.” 

“I could bike,” Adam said, not convincingly. 

“I’ve got shit to do in town,” Ronan replied, also not convincingly, “it’s not a big deal, Parrish.”

“Ok,” Adam shrugged, began collecting up the kindling into a neat stack he could shovel into his arms. “We have enough kindling.” 

Ronan agreed, he picked out some smaller chunks of wood from the log pile and stacked them in his own arms. “Will you go home tomorrow,” he asked, in between logs, “and see if you’re allowed to go back? Or you’re not gonna bother?” 

Adam shrugged again. “Not gonna bother,” he said. 

  
  


-

Ronan gave Adam ten minutes of grace before getting bored of waiting outside of Boyd’s that evening. Adam’s shift was over, he ought to be coming out with all the rest of the mechanics. He would drag Adam out of the garage himself if it stopped him from overworking and got them home in time for dinner. 

He barely made it five steps towards said garage when one of the exiting workers called out to him. It was Boyd himself, Ronan realised. Adam had pointed him out a few times. 

“You’re Parrish’s mate, yeah?” Boyd asked. He was leaning against a pick-up truck, key in the lock.

Ronan shrugged. 

“He went home early,” Boyd offered, turned his key, opened the truck door. “His old man picked him up.” 

For moment, Ronan considered pressing Boyd for details. Did his father look mad? Did Adam look worried? There was no point in asking, really, Adam didn’t broadcast his worries. But if Adam had gone with him, and had not left a message for Ronan, or called, or anything, then he must be alright. Right? 

He drove home. 

-

“Where’s Adam?” Matthew asked, before Ronan had even managed to get inside the front door, “He said he’d help me with my science homework and I haven’t done any all day so he could get the full experience of it.” 

“Not coming tonight,” Ronan grunted, slammed the door behind him, “better get on it before mum finds out.” 

“Oh no,” Matthew groaned, trailing Ronan down the hall and up the stairs, “Ronaaan. She’ll be so disappointed! I hate science!”

“I’m not gonna just whip Parrish out of my pants,” Ronan snapped, “I can’t solve this for you, Matty.” 

Matthew wrapped his arms around Ronan’s waist in an extra bid to be pathetic, let Ronan struggle to walk across the landing while dragging him for a few steps. 

“You could help,” Matthew suggested while Ronan began peeling his arms off of his waist, “you’re good at sciency stuff too. Even if you pretend you aren’t. I saw your grades!” 

“I know you saw my grades,” Ronan grumbled, getting one of Matthew’s arms off of him and just holding it while he attempted to figure out the next move in freeing himself without letting Matthew just wrap the arm back around him like a needy octopus. “Mum put them on the fucking fridge.” 

“Please?” Matthew whined, “I’ll do your dishes tonight.” 

“Whatever,” Ronan conceded, “lemme go?” 

-

Aurora didn’t mention Adam’s absence until later that night once Matthew had gone to bed and Ronan had gotten in from checking on the cows. 

“Did you and Adam have another fight?” She called from her room as Ronan climbed the stairs. 

He paused on the landing, eyes fixed on his bedroom door rather than looking towards his mothers’ open door. 

“No,” he said, shrugged, “he just decided to go home.” 

“And you’re mad about that?” Aurora suggested, her voice only just loud enough for Ronan to make out. At least Matthew wouldn’t be able to overhear. 

Ronan shrugged. “No,” he said. 

“Ah,” his mother said. 

“Just,” Ronan informed his door, “he said he was gonna come over tonight.” 

“You don’t like it when people break their promises.” 

He considered arguing that really he was just  _ worried _ about Adam. Adam wasn’t the type to just disappear without saying anything, but. Also. He was kind of pissed at Adam for not saying anything. And if he spent the weekend worrying that Adam was in trouble, and then found out that he’d just decided to go home after all, he would be very put out. It was easier to be both worried and pissed off so he could be at least half justified. 

He shrugged again. 

-

  
  


Sunday they had church, and Ronan volunteered to drive. Partly so he could innocuously drive past Boyd’s where Adam was supposed to be at work that morning and partly ---- no. Entirely so he could see Adam’s bike in the parking lot outside Boyd’s. 

  
  


“You’re grumpier than usual today,” Matthew informed him in a carrying whisper during the peace. 

“I’m not,” Ronan hissed back, smiled tightly at Mrs Purview as he exchanged the peace with her, and then dropped the smile as he turned to glare again at Matthew. “I don’t get  _ grumpy _ .” 

“You do,” Matthew insisted, he was still wearing his cheery peace giving smile, not letting up in between hand shakes and peaces given. “You’re the grumpiest person I know, but I love you anyway.” 

“Declan’s the grumpiest person you know,” Ronan corrected him, forgot to change out his glare for a passable facial expression as he shook hands with Mrs Montgomery and got a disapproving look for his efforts. 

“Boys,” Aurora said, her whisper loud enough only for their ears, “save it for the car, thank you.” 

-

“I just  _ meant _ ,” Matthew re-started in the car as they drove home, because he took ‘save it for the car’ very literally, “that you’re the only person I know who acts like Mr Grumpy from those kids books. Y’know. The ones from the Mr Men books.” 

“The what?” Ronan asked, snorted, readjusted his slouch in the backseat. “Never mind. I don’t care.” 

“See!” Matthew hooted, turning around the look back at Ronan, “Mr Grumpy!” 

“Matty, baby,” Aurora said calmly, driving - innocuously - past Boyd’s, “maybe let up on Ro for a bit, huh? And Ro? Sit up a bit straighter when you slouch you may as well not even be wearing a seatbelt.” 

Ronan considered taking his seatbelt off. Matthew had already taken his mother’s words for the kind order they were and had shifted the conversation topic to which cows would probably calve early this year. Ronan kept his seatbelt on. Closed his eyes now he’d taken note of Adam’s bike in the carpark still. 

Usually he would go back to Monmouth now, back to Gansey - if Gansey hadn’t been with him at the Barns all weekend - and Noah, and Adam would turn up in the evening probably. No one was at Monmouth right now, though. So. He’d go home. Have dinner with his mum and Matty. Get up early with Chainsaw and drop her off at Monmouth before heading into school with Noah and Gansey who would be in turns insufferably pleased to be home and all stiff with travel and disagreeable families and teammates. 

He was looking forward to it. He missed Gansey especially. Not that he would say that to Noah, or to Gansey. But. Gansey had been there for him through it all, before they’d met Noah or Adam. Gansey had been there to witness almost all of Ronan’s bad bits and he’d stayed. When he went away it worried Ronan. Not in a sensible way. Just in a --- a stupid way. A way where he lay there and had thoughts like what if Gansey was actually just leaving Henrietta and this was just an excuse and he was leaving because Ronan was awful and he couldn’t bear another moment in the same town with him. It was so fucking useless having anxieties like this - friends hating you anxieties - because all it did was make him a nervous shit of a friend who didn’t try and make contact first in case he was ignored or rebuffed and you’d never see  _ him _ being the one turned away and -

He was looking forward to Gansey coming back because then Gansey could worry about Adam instead and Ronan could stop worrying about Adam and then maybe the sinkhole in his stomach would close over and he could get back to his life of not giving a fuck about anything. Anything except for his family and his three friends, of course. And Chainsaw.

And pizza. 

And church. 

And - God, maybe he did give a fuck about a lot of shit, but who gave a shit, seriously??? 

-

He had thought he had dreamed the knock on his door. He’d woken up with the tap of it playing in his mind, and he’d been ready to write it off as a branch knocking somewhere against a window, or Matthew rolling over and knocking a book off of his bed, or any number of old house and sprawling farm noises. Then someone had knocked on his door again and he sat up in his bed sheets and squinted through the dim room at his door. 

Matthew didn’t knock, he just opened the door and barrelled right in if he wanted something/had a nightmare/felt like a three AM chat/feast. His mum would have announced herself. Declan? Maybe? He hadn’t said he was coming. Certainly not coming at this hour. 

“Hello?” He directed at the door, voice low so as not to disturb anyone else, so if he was imagining the knocking on the door no one else would notice him embarrassing himself by talking to the wind. 

His door opened, and Adam - looking very guilty - peered around the door. 

“What the fuck?” Ronan said - a touch too loud. “What the hell? Parrish?” 

“Shh,” Adam suggested, shuffling around the door quickly and somewhat clumsily and closing it behind him. “Sorry. Sorry. I would have - I would have called but I couldn’t get to a phone.” 

“I wouldn’t have answered,” Ronan said, the sleepiness in his body entirely gone. “What the hell are you doing here? I thought you’d been called home.” 

“I was,” Adam said. He shrugged, a blurry movement in the dark. He didn’t apologise for not telling Ronan he wasn’t coming to the Barns the previous day, for leaving him hanging. “But I - it’s been kind of a crappy weekend.” 

“No shit,” Ronan said. “My weekend too. Like, I have this weird as fuck guy turning up at ass o clock who probably wants to put cold feet on my back.” 

“I didn’t plan on coming in. On waking you up,” Adam mumbled, even as he drew closer and sank down on the edge of Ronan’s mattress. “I was going to crash in the cow shed. But uh - your mum let me in.” 

“Mum?” 

“I didn’t think I’d made any noise,” Adam said, shrugging again, “but before I could even open the cow shed she’d opened the front door and called me in. Like she was expecting me.” 

“Huh.” 

“Um. She said to just go upstairs,” Adam continued, “I think she meant to the spare room, but I - I mean - I did go to the spare room. Got into bed there. But it’s weird.” 

“You’re weird,” Ronan offered, tired brain still trying to tick all of this into some sensible sort of sound. 

“It felt stupid to be in there when I’m used to being in here,” Adam grumbled, “like I was trespassing if I wasn’t with you.” 

“Right,” Ronan grunted, tugged at the blanket, “you getting in then?” 

“Yeah,” Adam said. “I don’t… I don’t wanna talk about this right now.” 

“Fuck man,” Ronan scoffed, shifting over as Adam slid into bed next to him, “I’m sleeping. Fuck would I talk about?” 

-

He had expected to wake up and remember this night time incident as a dream. A stupid dream fueled by worries he didn’t want to have. Instead he woke up to half of his bed co-opted by Adam’s stupidly gangly limbs, and his shoulder co-opted by Adam’s stupidly scruffy bedhead. 

His alarm was going off. 

“Fuck,” he said, his usual first word for each morning. 

He rolled until Adam’s head slid off of his shoulder and he could reach his phone which was exceeding its usual irritation performance by somehow being extra shrill this morning, and turned it off. Adam simply grumbled underneath him, not waking, which was odd for a variety of reasons, not least of which was that Ronan’s elbow was digging into his collarbone. 

“Parrish,” Ronan grunted, rolling back into a more comfortable position and forcing himself to keep his eyes open, “wake up. Hey. Wake up.” 

“Whassatime?” Adam slurred, not opening his eyes, instead opting to curl more so that his head disappeared under the blanket. 

“Too early,” Ronan confirmed, “but if we wanna make it to school in time to keep up your nerd lifestyle we gotta get the fuck up.” 

“Hm.” Adam said, which was not the most Adam-y thing he could say in response to this. 

“Are you hurt?” Ronan asked, deciding this was a question best asked quick and soon before it could be thought about. Like taking a plaster off. Fast, and done to someone still mostly asleep so their retaliation wouldn’t be too severe.

“No,” Adam said. 

Possibly a lie. On his own head be it, though. 

Ronan pushed him out of bed.    
  


-

He let Adam be while they showered and dressed and ate breakfast, not asking shit of him, just keeping a close eye on him. Matthew was overjoyed to see him, Aurora didn’t make a fuss of it, Adam kept his head down. 

He waited until they were in the car on their way into town - Chainsaw and Matthew in the back. Matthew had his earphones in while he binged on vines, and Chainsaw was leaning over to watch his screen. 

“You could have gone to Monmouth last night,” he said, kept his eyes on the road ahead of him. “Gansey and Noah would have been there. They got home late, but probably earlier than you got to mine.” 

Adam shrugged. He was electing to gaze blank expressioned out his window. 

“Did you sleep with the cows the night before?” Ronan asked. 

“No,” Adam said, folded and unfolded, and refolded his arms across his stomach. “I was home the night before.” 

“So why last night?” Ronan asked, “If you were allowed back home the other day, why not last night?” 

“How am I supposed to know?” Adam snapped, sighed, cleared his throat. “He’s… my father had a pay decrease. Middle of last week. He’s been… drinking a lot. I don’t think he’s been sober two hours together since. He doesn’t… he isn’t the most logical when he’s drunk.” 

Adam glanced at Ronan, who was attempting to put something close to an appropriate response together, and then spoke again. 

“I’m not - I’m not defending him,” Adam said carefully, “I’m just explaining.” 

“Whatever,” Ronan said. “Which way’s the wind blowing today, then?” 

“He’s supposed to be going to work,” Adam mumbled, picked at a loose thread on the car seat below him. “So he shouldn’t be getting drunk. So I ought to be able to go home. But I - “ 

“Whatever,” Ronan said again, giving Adam the option to not have to talk about it more. “You can crash at Monmouth if you want.” 

“I don’t want to,” Adam said. He had been… stiff before, obviously uncomfortable with the conversation topic, with the vulnerability it brought, but now that this was a well worn in conversation he seemed smoother. Though a little chilly. “You know I don’t want to stay at Monmouth.” 

“But the Barns is fine?” Ronan shot back, stupidly, because he didn’t actually want Adam to decide the Barns wasn’t fine. 

Adam didn’t answer. 

“Gansey doesn’t have to know,” Ronan suggested, turning the car sharply down the street that brought Monmouth into view. 

“Of course he’d know,” Adam said. 

“Dude’s as blind as a bat,” Ronan said - an exaggeration - “and so long as there’s no fuss about it, I doubt he’d even notice. You’d just need to say goodnight at some point while he was distracted and then just… sidle off to bed. He wouldn’t know.” 

Adam scoffed again. Ronan parked. 

-

He deposited Chainsaw and his shit in his room, bumped fists with Gansey, received a spine crushing hug from Noah, and then a more sedate one from Gansey, jogged back down the stairs with the two of them on his heels, waited for Adam and Matthew to say hello, and then drove on to school. 

-

School was, as per usual, boring. Better than the previous few days of school with Gansey and Noah back, but still shitty. Gansey - because he was born wanting to know everything - wanted a round up of what Ronan had been up to while he’d been abandoned by two of his friends, and Ronan attempted to give him a full enough answer that Gansey wouldn’t pick up on the fact that Ronan was in fact hiding a large part of what he had been up to. Luckily, they had this conversation in class, and so Gansey couldn’t unleash his full attention on Ronan to pick up on the skimmed over parts. 

Ronan wasn’t an idiot. He knew that even if Adam was happier to stay at the Barns than at Monmouth, he wouldn’t want Gansey in particular to know he would make that concession. In Adam’s mind it would be him giving in, or something else stupid like that. Ronan wasn’t going to spill the beans here, and hopefully, Adam would come stay at the Barns with him again sometime. 

“Adam seemed unhappy,” Gansey said, once Ronan had satisfied his need for information and the teacher had set them to the task of discussing their assignment in pairs (The desks behind them were talking about an upcoming holiday, the desks in front about a movie. Ronan didn’t even know what the fuck the assignment was). 

“Huh,” Ronan said, flipped a few pages on his work book to get up to the page he was up to drawing his little flip-o-rama and began drawing again (he was drawing Chainsaw on a skateboard doing a kick-flip and pulling the finger (feather) and he was up to the pulling the finger bit (hahah pulling the  _ bird _ ) and so he had to concentrate on getting it right,  _ Gansey _ ). 

“You didn’t see him over the weekend, then?” Gansey pressed, leaning over to scrutinise Ronan’s drawing. “You don’t know if anything’s up with him?” 

“Something’s always up with him,” Ronan grunted. “He’s like a dictionary of woes.” 

Gansey sighed. “I wish you would try harder to get along with him.” 

“The fuck?” Ronan snorted, “Dick, he’s one of my best mates. We get along fine.” 

“Oh,” Gansey said, sounding remarkably cheery. “I hadn’t - you never said - I’m glad to hear it.” 

“Fucking hell, man,” Ronan said, “what do you want? Me to write a list of people I consider friends? Notify you whenever I like people? Put an Ad in the newspaper if I get a crush?” 

“Yes,” Gansey said immediately. “All of them, preferably, but I’d honestly be happy with you just telling me.” 

“Well I told you,” Ronan said, finished drawing the bird pulling the bird with a flourish and flipped the page to start the next movement. “So there.” 

“Who else are your friends?” Gansey prodded, verbally, but also physically, jabbing his finger into Ronan’s side. 

“Oi!” Ronan laughed, jerking sideways, “cut it out. I’m not doing this, you weirdo. You know who my friends are.” 

“Ok,” Gansey conceded, “people you like?” 

“Nuh-uh.” 

“Do you have a  _ crush _ on anyone?” Gansey asked, “Something to put in the newspaper?” 

“Don’t push it, Dick,” Ronan said, a little more snappy than he had been intending. 

“Huh,” Gansey said, sat back in his seat, folded his arms. “You do have a crush on someone. Really? You don’t act like a guy with a crush.” 

Ronan took a page from Chainsaw’s book and pulled the finger at Gansey. 

-

The four of them trooping out to their spot for lunch was good. Ronan was bored of sitting in classes even with Gansey sitting next to him (Or Noah, or Adam), and he was hungry, and he wanted to look at Adam again to see what Gansey had seen than had made him say he was unhappy because how had Ronan missed that he had been with Adam all morning and ---

Whatever. 

Lunch was usually Ronan’s favourite part of school. They’d all talk shit to each other, and Gansey and Adam would probably talk about something nerdy assignment until Ronan and Noah distracted them properly, and Ronan would bully Adam into eating some of his food as well as his own shitty little lunch, and it was  _ good _ . 

This lunchtime though, two shitty things happened at the beginning, and very close together. Maybe they didn’t look shitty from the outside, but they were absolutely, definitely, positively shitty. 

The first was Gansey, speaking through a mouthful of his ciabatta chicken and apricot sandwich in the first lul of quiet since they’d sat down. 

“So,” he said, crumbs spraying in a way that was decidedly unGanseylike. “Noah, if, say, Ronan had a  _ crush _ on someone, who do you think it would be?” 

“What!” Noah replied, snorting out an actual chunk of banana, “Ronan! A crush!” 

“I know,” Gansey grinned back, elbowing Ronan, “you two hoon around at the skatepark together, do you see him making eyes at the ladies there?” 

Noah apparently found this concept far too hilarious, because he simply dissolved in a puddle of laughter. Whether from the concept of Ronan making  _ eyes _ at ladies, or at the concept of Ronan making eyes at  _ ladies _ . 

“Ok, shut the fuck up now,” Ronan gritted out, “I don’t like anyone, ‘specially not at the fucked up skatepark. So fuck off.” 

“Oh,” Gansey said, an expression crossing his face that was very similar to remorse.

He didn’t get to the remorse part of the speaking because Matthew suddenly appeared, bounding into their group like a hastily clad beachball. 

“Adam!” He said, “I forgot to give you your calculator back from Saturday! Here!” 

“Oh,” Adam said, accepting the calculator and offering Matthew a quick smile, “thanks, Matt.” 

“I didn’t mean to hang onto it,” Matthew continued, “I just packed it into my bag with the rest of my homework before bed because I forgot it wasn’t mine, and then I remembered but it was too late because you’d already gone into town and then -” 

“Ok, Matty,” Ronan said, sitting up on his knees and reaching over to grab Matthew by a belt loop. “We get it. No harm done. You found your calculator?” 

“Yeah,” Matthew said, “it was on my desk in Maths class!” 

“Congratulations,” Ronan said, gave Matthew a gentle shove in the  _ away _ direction. “Catch you later.” 

“Ok,” Matthew said, “bye guys!” 

So, there. Lunchtime ruined. 

“Wait,” Gansey said, brow furrowed, “you were at the Barns on Saturday, Adam?” 

“I was helping Matthew with his homework for a bit,” Adam said, noncommittally, took a small bite from his muesli bar.

“Ronan didn’t mention you were over,” Gansey said, which was at least a blessing, “it’s a long way out for just a bit of tutoring. What did you guys get up to?” 

He directed this last part to Ronan, eyebrows raised at him as if to tell him off for leaving out this juicy tidbit of news. 

Ronan shrugged. Gansey turned to Adam. Adam shrugged. 

“I saw the cows,” Adam offered, began fumbling with his backpack. “But mostly just homework. Look, I gotta go. Forgot I needed to look something up in the library.” 

“Oh,” Gansey said, “wait, I’ll -” 

Adam got up before Gansey could finish, shouldered his bag, and was off. Gansey had been right that he looked unhappy, Ronan hadn’t overlooked it, it was just the same unhappy he had been all weekend. The same unhappy plus an uneven gait as he walked away from them. 

“Fuck,” Noah said, noticing exactly what Ronan was also noticing. “He’s limping.”

-

They had Latin after lunch. ‘They’ should have included Gansey, but Gansey had been hijacked to go to an encouraging talk or some shit for the freshman about who knows what, and so it was actually just Ronan and Adam. 

“I didn’t say shit to Gansey about you staying over,” Ronan hissed when Adam sat down next to him, barely scraping in before class began. “So don’t even think about getting pissy at me.” 

“I’m not pissed,” Adam said in a pissed off voice. 

“Oh sure,” Ronan snorted, “and I have a full head of hair.” 

“You do,” Adam shot back, “you just shave it off every month because you prefer to look like a bowling ball.” 

“Don’t be pissed at Matthew either,” Ronan added, choosing graciously to let the bowling ball comment slide, “he’s too happy to get your stupid subterfuge.” 

“I don’t know what your excuse is, then,” Adam said, “you don’t seem very happy.” 

“Hey,” Ronan snapped, “I get your stupidity, even if I don’t agree with it. So shut up.” 

Adam opened his mouth, looking for all the world ready to tear Ronan a new one, and then he just sighed, opened his Latin book. “Weren’t we gonna try and not be shitty?” 

Ronan snorted, opened his book as well. “Thought that was a joke.” 

“I wasn’t joking,” Adam snapped, glanced up at the front of the class where Whelk still hadn’t started class, apparently too busy reading a magazine to pay any attention to his class. “And I know you weren’t either.” 

“Fine,” Ronan snapped back. “Why’re you limping, then?” 

“That’s shitty,” Adam objected. 

“I’m trying not to be shitty!” 

“You know why I’m limping.” 

“I know  _ why _ ,” Ronan agreed. “The general why. I wanna know why in particular.” 

“My hip is bruised,” Adam said, “it hurts. Nothing is  _ damaged _ . There.” 

“Bruising is damage,” Ronan said, “if there’s bruise there’s burst blood cells. Damage.” 

“Lynch.” 

“Whatever,” Ronan threw his hands up in an over exaggerated shrug. “Fine. Look. I’ve thought about how we could make this work.” 

“Make what work?” 

They had to take a quick break from their conversation then, because Whelk was a welk and decided to actually start class. Fifteen minutes later they got to pick their conversation back up, albeit much quieter, while they were supposed to be practicing conjugations out loud. 

“Manus, Manūs, Manuī, Manum, Manū, Manūs, Manuum, Manibus, Manūs, Manibus,” Ronan droned, poked Adam for his turn. 

“Uh,” Adam said, “Lacus, Lacūs, Lacuī, Lacū, La - make what work?” 

“Just say you can’t remember the conjugations,” Ronan drawled. 

“Lacūs, Lacuum, Lacubus, Lacūs, Lacubus,” Adam snapped, “make what work, Lynch?” 

“You staying at Monmouth,” Ronan said, “it’d be easy. You know how often I go out at night, right? Heaps. I could go out, pick you up, bring you back to Monmouth. If Gansey is in bed already, you could just come in through the door, and if not, you could head around back and I’ll throw a rope or some shit out and you can climb up.” 

“What the hell,” Adam snorted, “seriously? What shitty fantasy are you watching? Climb up a rope to your window? This isn’t some - some - some star crossed lovers shit, Lynch.” 

“Fuck off,” Ronan said, pretending like he hadn’t at some point imagined them as star crossed lovers. “It’d work. It’s only fantasy if you can’t do it in reality.” 

“I can’t do it in reality,” Adam said firmly. “I can’t get away with staying out all night. You think this limp is bad? Wait until I get mine for staying out past curfew again.” 

It really fucking sucked that Adam had that card to play. 

“Anyway,” Adam mumbled, looking back down at his scrawled conjugation charts, “where would I even sleep?” 

“Same place as the Barns,” Ronan mumbled back, tugged Adam’s notebook away, “stop cheating.” 

“This isn’t a test,” Adam said, tugging his book back, “we’re practicing.” 

“So practice.” 

“Genū, Genūs -” 

-

Ronn knew better than to think that Adam would actually accept this thinly veiled offer of help - not that it really was that much help to be quite honest - but it still kind of stung to know he was being turned down. It was stupid, because he knew it only stung because it was  _ Adam _ . Adam didn’t turn him down, Adam met his stupid ideas with stupider ideas, upped his ante, crashed them both on shopping trolleys, reined him in when necessary, but didn’t turn him down. Or well. That was a lie. Adam turned him down a lot, just usually not verbally. 

Adam turned him down when Ronan would offer him food at lunch - not always, but often enough. He’d just shake his head, not take the food, ignore the bag of chips. Whatever. Adam would point at his bike when Ronan offered rides. Adam would look away from Ronan’s eyes when they made contact. Adam would certainly, absolutely, definitely turn Ronan down if he asked for any of the hundreds of things he wanted from Adam. 

It was stupid to ask even this of Adam. But wasn’t it stupid not to? Wasn’t he just asking for Adam to fucking be safe? To sleep somewhere warm? Fuck. 

-

Gansey knocked on his door later that day, much later, almost edging into the next morning. Ronan had known Gansey was awake because he had heard him on the phone, and he knew Gansey knew he was awake because he had his music on. The both of them knew Noah was asleep because Noah had a very enviable habit of going to bed, putting his noise cancelling earphones on playing rain sounds, and falling immediately into a dead sleep until his alarm went off the next morning. 

“I’m jerking off,” Ronan called, because he knew Gansey would make a disgruntled noise. 

“Ugh,” Gansey said, perfectly on cue, “are you?” 

“Nah,” Ronan said, “what’s up?” 

Gansey opened the door. He looked tired and chastened. 

“Forgive me,” he said. 

“What?” Ronan snorted, scrubbed a hand over his face because he was pretty sure he must have misheard Gansey due to his own exhaustion. 

“Forgive me,” Gansey repeated, clearer, crossed the room between them and perched on the edge of Ronan’s bed. “I shouldn’t have… teased you about having a crush. You told me it in confidence and I shouldn’t have brought it up with the others.” 

“I told you shit all in confidence,” Ronan pointed out, “I specifically said I  _ didn’t  _ have a crush.” 

“Ronan.” 

“Of course I forgive you,” Ronan sighed, leaned over his knees to shove Gansey’s shoulder. “Fuck, man.” 

“I won’t do it again,” Gansey said, still solemn. 

“Chill,” Ronan said, “I said I forgive you, already. Thank you, ok?” 

“Ok,” Gansey relented. “So… will you tell me who it is?” 

“Didn’t you just get done apologising?” 

“I was apologising for exposing you to other people’s questions and betraying your confidence,” Gansey said promptly, “not for my own curiousity.” 

Ronan rolled his eyes. 

“Tell me at least where you met her?” Gansey cajoled. “I’m with you like half the time, I’ve not seen you take an interest in anyone!” 

This was a topic that Ronan had been planning on just ignoring until it was unignorable. In his mind, that point was reached when Ronan had already asked a guy out and they had said yes. That would be the point that he’d see the point in telling someone that he liked guys. That plan had been a plan that didn’t involve any emotions though, or anyone asking who he liked, or anyone assuming he liked girls. In theory it worked, in theory Ronan was blase about being mistaken for someone… straight. 

In practice apparently this was not something he liked at all at all at all and his stomach had been all tight since lunch and he didn’t want Gansey going around and trying to guess which girls would catch Ronan’s eye or any shit like that. It was just  _ wrong _ . Gansey was supposed to know him in and out, and maybe it was time for Ronan to admit to himself that  _ this _ was something about him that he wanted other people to know. 

“Not that it’s really your business,” Ronan said, which was only a half lie, “but I’m not interested in girls at all, so no wonder you haven’t seen that.” 

To Gansey’s credit, he only looked confused for a moment. He didn’t pull away from Ronan. He didn’t look shocked. He didn’t do any of the things that Ronan had dreaded very quickly as he spoke. 

“Oh!” Gansey said, moved on very quickly, “Does he go to our school, then?” 

“I’m not telling you where I met him,” Ronan replied archly, “because if I give you any more information you’ll just keep asking questions and trying to narrow things down and I’m not going to participate in that landslide.” 

“Oh c’mon,” Gansey wheedled, “just one question! Just a yes or no!” 

“No,” Ronan said decidedly, grinned at Gansey. 

-

If Ronan had hoped Adam would change his mind about coming to Monmouth, he was disappointed. Adam didn’t bring it up, didn’t bring up how ‘home’ was, didn’t slyly as Ronan to give him a ride home from work. He did eat the muffin Ronan gave him though, which was something. It appeared that things were back to normal. Or at least, as normal as things got within their friend group. Adam was back to acting like he never needed any kind of help, Gansey was keeping his mouth shut about the whole gay thing, Noah was enforcing a strict ‘Ronan has to piggy back me up the stairs back home every day’ rule, Ronan was… was meandering along. 

It had been good to tell Gansey, he was pretty sure. It was good. It wasn’t a  _ secret _ , even if he didn’t want Gansey to tell anyone else. It was good to let a bit of air in on it. 

So. Ronan had been expecting that things would just drift along as usual, running along the same divot. Which meant it was a surprise, to say the least, when Adam took his wrist as they spilled out of school on Friday - Gansey and Noah a few feet ahead with Cheng and Henry Broadway and some other loud people - and pulled him to the side. 

“What?” Ronan snapped, not out of any real annoyance, just the strangeness of it. 

Adam dropped Ronan’s wrist, held his own hands up in front of him as if in surrender. 

“Jeez,” he said, “don’t bite my head off.” 

Ronan scowled, scuffed the heel of his hand over the stubble at the back of his neck. 

“Look,” Adam said, suddenly seemed to be having difficulty looking Ronan in the face. “My - my parents are out of town this weekend. A hunting thing, I think.” 

“Ok,” Ronan said, narrowed his eyes, “you wanna throw a party at your shack?” 

“Fuck you,” Adam said without heat, “no. Just. Are you going back to the Barns for the weekend?”

“I do every weekend,” Ronan said. 

Adam glared at the ground beneath their feet. “Would your mum mind if I stayed again?” 

“Don’t you think you’re supposed to ask if I mind, first?” Ronan asked. 

Now Adam decided to look up again, to meet Ronan’s eye. “I know you don’t mind,” Adam said, far too direct. 

This time Ronan averted his gaze, kicked at the ground, folded his arms. “She won’t mind,” he said, “but I’ll ring and tell her.” 

“Ok,” Adam nodded. “I, uh, I have work -” 

“I know,” Ronan interrupted, “I’ll pick you up after.” 

“Ok,” Adam said again, shoved his hands into his pockets, “I’ll help Matty out again with his homework,” he added.

“He’ll be ecstatic,” Ronan replied. 

“Oh!” Gansey called, walking back towards them, “I thought we’d lost you two!” 

“We were just waiting for your gaggle to disperse,” Ronan called back. “I’m gonna give Parrish a ride. See you back home.” 

“Ok,” Gansey said, hesitated like he wasn’t sure if he wanted to jog over to say goodbye or not, and then just waved. “See you!” 

“I didn’t ask for a ride,” Adam said, waving back at Gansey, “I don’t need a ride.” 

“Who said anything about need?” Ronan snorted, kicked Adam’s shin, “Stop with your pickiness, c’mon.” 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so i KNOW i was like, o this is going to be just two chapters and then i was like, psyche! it's three! But now it's actually FOUR chapters guys and i fucking SWEAR this is the last update to how many gd chapters this stupid supposed to be little fic is going to have omg. 
> 
> ANYWAY thank you to everyone who's been reading and commenting! I appreciate y'all so much! If I haven't replied to your comments, or took for fucking ever to reply just know that I appreciate you!!!

Ronan didn’t ask about  _ why _ Adam had decided to come stay at the Barns even when his home was blessedly parent free. He didn’t ask on the drive there with Adam in his passenger seat all sweaty and grimey and fucking hot from the garage, letting Chainsaw sit in his lap and preen his hair. He didn’t ask when they herded the dogs into the barn for feeding and Adam sat on the dirt and hay covered floor patting as many dogs as possible. He didn’t ask as he set the table for dinner while Adam explained why sometimes letters in maths were necessary to Matthew. He didn’t ask why when Adam knocked almost shyly on his door frame much later that night after the dishes were done and they had all showered, and Aurora had told Adam to make himself at home in the guest room, and then she and Matthew had gone to bed.

Ronan knew why. It was the same reason that Ronan prefered to be here than at Monmouth. He loved Gansey and Noah to death. He loved spending time alone. He loved the independence of living away from parental rules, but....

But the Barns just… just  _ emanated _ with the feeling of comfort. Of home. Of  _ love _ for fucks sake. He knew Adam wanted to be here because he was allowed to be looked after when he was here. You didn’t turn down an offer from Aurora to feed and wash and love you, and Ronan knew that even if Adam would never admit it, he desperately wanted someone to at least love him. 

He didn’t think it would be the same coming from Ronan. Like. If Ronan told him he loved him. That wasn’t what Adam was looking for. 

“What’s up?” Ronan grunted, shoving his finger in between the pages of his book to keep his place, half hiding the cover of it behind his knees. 

“What’re you reading?” Adam asked, ignoring Ronan’s question and sidling into the room, closing it gently behind him. “I didn’t think you could read.” 

“I can’t,” Ronan snarked, “It’s an audio book.” 

Adam sat on the edge of his bed, reached over Ronan’s knees for the book. Ordinarily - say, if this was at school, or Monmouth, or in town, on even just in the lounge here, Ronan would tussle with him. Would hide the book further away, make Adam fight for it. He’d let him see it in the end, obviously, but he’d make it hard. 

He let Adam pluck the book from his hand, watched as Adam turned it around to read the cover, then around again to read the blurb on the back. 

“A favourite?” Adam asked. 

The book was old, pages yellowing, cover ripped and mended with also yellowing sellotape, spine cracked and cracked over again. Ronan shrugged. Adam put the book down. 

“What time do you have work tomorrow?” Ronan asked. A useless question because he already knew that Adam’s shift at the garage started tomorrow at ten, and that he had a late lunch break for half an hour at two to two thirty, and that he finished at four and went straight to his half shift at the factory where he worked from four thirty to seven thirty without break. 

“Ten,” Adam said, cutting to the short and quick of it. 

“I can pick you up after your factory shift,” Ronan offered, as casual as he could, “seven thirty, yeah?” 

Adam nodded. 

Ronan shuffled over sideways, tugged his blankets down a little. 

“Turn the light off,” he said, “I wanna sleep.” 

Adam stood up, removed the book from the bed to the desk, turned the bedside lamp off, and climbed in next to Ronan. He didn’t say anything, just shifted around under the blankets until he was comfortable, and then lay still. 

He wasn’t here for Ronan, he was here for the Barns. And that was ok. Because Ronan was perfectly willing to give Adam this. To let Adam have this. Maybe a little selfishly, because it meant he got to have Adam here, in his house, in his bed. 

He didn’t ask.

  
  


-

  
  


Waking up next to Adam was quickly becoming one of Ronan’s very favourite things. It wasn’t fair. Adam just _smelled_ _so fucking good_ all the fucking time. Pheromones blah blah blah. He smelled especially Adamy in the morning, and he looked specially open and vulnerable with his ruffled hair and his sleepy eyes and his limbs all loose. 

It made Ronan want to scream. Or to push Adam out of the bed. Or to kiss him until Adam pushed him away or his lips wore off or something else stupid and dramatic. It was unbearable. 

Adam’s arm was slung over Ronan’s waist, his hand curled in a floppy fist against Ronan’s ribs, somehow under his shirt. Ronan had to decide whether or not he ought to get up now so Adam wouldn’t feel embarrassed about it when he woke up, or stay here and pretend to be asleep when Adam woke up so that he could just… revel in the feeling of Adam’s hand on his skin like he meant it to be there. 

He moved carefully, just the one arm, trying to get to his phone to at least check the time, and Adam made a soft sleep noise, and rolled over, withdrawing his hand entirely. Problem solved, apparently. Ronan got out of bed. 

Adam found him a good hour later, obviously freshly showered, and with two mugs in his hand. He was wearing a pair of Mathew’s gumboots and was walking almost gingerly through the mud towards where Ronan was fixing the fence. 

“Your ma asked me to bring you some coffee,” Adam said once he was close enough for Ronan to see his damp hair was curled around his ears. “Do you need a hand?” 

Ronan took the coffee, took a large gulp before speaking. 

“Nah,” he said, “I’m almost done anyway, if you wanna hang out here.” 

“Ok,” Adam shrugged, eyed up a post, and then leaned against it, took a sip of his own coffee. “It’s pretty out here.” 

He wasn’t hiding his accent like he did at Aglionby, like he did sometimes at Monmouth, like he did when he was pretending he had no roots here at all. He said the word  _ pretty _ like it was made of taffy, all stretched out and sweet. Ronan could only be glad that it was a chilly out here and his cheeks were already pink with that. 

“Yeah,” he grunted, took another drink of coffee, handed the mug back to Adam to hold while he finished up the fence. “It’s even nicer a little earlier. The trees are all gold and the birds are just waking up.” 

Adam hummed a little. He wasn’t looking at Ronan now as Ronan snuck another glance up at him in between fishing for the staples in his pocket. Instead, Adam was just gazing out into the middle distance like he could see something in the hazy blue of the sky that Ronan couldn’t. 

“I’d like to see that,” Adam said. 

Ronan’s heart was a little too happy. 

-

He drove Adam in to town later that morning, after they’d had a proper breakfast and Matthew had woken up and asked Adam what he knew about dream meanings because he’d had a long and weird dream and wanted to explain it all in detail. 

“Um,” Adam said, a good five minutes still before they even hit Henrietta proper.

Ronan gave him a few more moments to say whatever else it was he wanted to say, and then grunted and turned the music down a few notches. 

“What?” 

“Can you,” Adam said, very slowly, staring out the window at the scenery rushing past at exactly 12 K over the speed limit. “Not tell Gansey.” 

Ronan was an asshole, so really he ought to have asked ‘not tell Gansey what?’ or some other asshole kind of thing even though he knew exactly what it was Adam was asking of him. Ronan was an asshole, but he also knew when not to push his luck (even if he ignored that knowledge half the time). 

“Sure,” he said, turned the music back up. 

-

“Ronan!” Gansey said, equal parts surprised and pleased as Ronan opened the bathroom door in Monmouth to discover him brushing his teeth and reading the back of the shampoo bottle. He spat toothpaste foam out, rinsed his mouth out, said; “I wasn’t expecting to see you today!” 

“Couldn’t stay away from you,” Ronan sneered, leaning against the door lintel. 

“Ah of course,” Gansey nodded wisely as he put the shampoo back down among the many other nearly empty bottles of shampoo cluttering the counter. “My allure is very strong, I understand.” 

“Oh baby,” Ronan deadpanned. 

Gansey snorted. “I wanted to go for a walk around the outskirts of town,” he said, “driving in last weekend I thought I saw some rather interesting trees and I wanted a closer look. Will you come?” 

“When you say a walk around the outskirts of town,” Ronan said, swivelling on his heel to keep Gansey in his eyesight as Gansey left the bathroom, “do you mean you wanna walk around the entire fucking town? I know this place is small, but it’s not that small.” 

“No,” Gansey said, striding over to his desk where his heavily scrapbooked journal was lying propped open, “just around the fields surrounding the East roads.” 

“So,” Ronan said, trailing after Gansey, “still a shit ton of walking?” 

“Maybe not a full ton,” Gansey shrugged, flipped through a few pages. 

“Ok,” Ronan said, “so long as we’re back before seven.” 

“I certainly hope we’ll be back before seven!” Gansey said, grinned at Ronan. “Why?” 

“Ronan?” Noah yelled from across the flat, “Is that you? Am I dreaming? Will you bring me juice?” 

-

They definitely didn’t walk until seven. They walked for a good two hours, Gansey taking photos and notes of trees and rock patterns and diversions of small streams and talking full throttle the entire time about line layouts and town planning layouts and various magical elements of natural layouts. Then they drove into town and had sweet tea at Nino’s so Gansey could try his hand at not insulting the waitress there that he had once - a full year ago now - somehow implied was a prostitute. She didn’t seem at all willing to forgive him, but she did seem to enjoy the chance to say wittily sarcastic things to him, so at least he wasn’t making a full nuisance of himself even if he did come out covered in swiftly delivered verbal barbs. Then they went back to Monmouth and Ronan and Noah played Need For Speed until Gansey somehow wrangled them into joining him in his small town construction because apparently the building he was working on was fiddly and boring and he wanted many hands to make it light work. 

-

“You look like shit,” Ronan said cheerfully when Adam tipped himself into the car. “What happened? A teacher not smile back at you?” 

Adam rolled his eyes, pulled his seatbelt on. “Missed my lunch break,” he said curtly, “I’m fucking hungry is all.” 

Ronan was well prepared for this. He reached over Adam to the glove box and yanked it open before shifting his car into gear. “Cereal bars in there,” he said, “keep you alive until mum can perform the emergency food surgery.” 

Adam didn’t even complain. He snaffled two bars, shut the glove box, ate one bar in two mouthfuls, and then the next a little slower (three mouthfuls). 

“Thanks,” he said, crinkling the wrappers in his hand and shoving them into his jean pocket. “I thought my stomach was going to escape and go feral.” 

“It would have been a scientific breakthrough,” Ronan said. 

“I don’t think so,” Adam shot back. “More like a scientific fallacy.” 

“Maybe you’re an alien,” Ronan suggested, “and it would be Earth’s first biology lesson of the anatomy of alien intestines.” 

“Maybe you’re taking this too far,” Adam countered, then backtracked, “what if aliens are like… so different we wouldn’t even be able to handle the concept of their anatomy. Like, if they’re just so bizarre.” 

“You’re so bizarre,” Ronan said, very clever of him. 

Adam ignored him. “I mean,” he continued, “some bugs on earth can see colours we can’t, hear noises we can’t. We might not even be able to comprehend aliens because they’re out of human perception. We could be literally surrounded by aliens right now and not have a clue!” 

“This sounds suspiciously like the beginning of a horror,” Ronan complained, but then joined in. “Ok,” he said, “but like, what if they are something we can comprehend, but not something we comprehend as a  _ living being _ . For instance - the wind. What if the wind is actually an alien and everything we think we know about the wind scientific like is wrong. Scientists are always figuring out things they were wrong about.”

“If the wind is an alien,” Adam said slowly, “and humanity has always experienced wind, does that even make it an alien? If it’s been here as long as us?” 

“If science is right about anything,” Ronan chipped in, “then wind has been here longer than us. Does that make us the aliens?” 

“Oh god,” Adam said, “I’m so tired now.” 

Ronan laughed. 

-

Once back at the Barns, Adam helped Aurora with dinner, then they all ate. After dinner Adam declared he needed to do homework, and Matthew took this as an opportunity to use him for tutoring, and Aurora took this as an opportunity to nudge Ronan into getting his homework out as well, and they all ended up around the dining room table doing their homework. Adam helped Matthew out with his science homework while Ronan simply wrote ‘aliens????’ to answers on his own science homework (until Adam kicked him under the table). Ronan helped Adam out with his Latin homework, really just being a soundboard more than anything else. Matthew helped Ronan out with his sociology essay by offering to chew it up so Ronan could hand it in and say their dog tried to eat it. After homework Adam showered and Matthew got Ronan to teach him a few chords on the guitar, and Aurora said she was going to bed early so she could get up early, and Matthew went to bed, and Ronan went to his bedroom and waited. 

Adam didn’t knock this time, just pushed the door open. 

“Everyone else in bed?” he asked. 

“Yeah,” Ronan said, half way through pulling his pajama shirt on, “‘cept Chainsaw. I think she’s out hunting.” 

“Yum,” Adam offered, closed the door behind him. 

“I still think you should have let Matthew chew up my essay,” Ronan said, turning around the drop his discarded clothes into his laundry hamper, “the look on Mr Shitties face when I handed it in would have been fucking sick.” 

“Think about the look on Mr  _ Shetties _ face when you actually hand in a finished essay instead,” Adam said, “it’ll be shock times a thousand.” 

“Nerd,” Ronan said, a weak response, he knew. 

Adam sat down on Ronan’s bed. Ronan leaned against his desk. He was pretty sure that if he opened his mouth and said something about the fact that Adam was here in his bedroom again when there was another bedroom just for him that Adam would  _ leave _ and he didn’t want that. 

“You have tomorrow off?” He said instead. 

“Yeah,” Adam said, sighed, pulled his knee up so he could rest his chin on it. “I’m planning on using it to finish the Latin essay.” 

“We have church tomorrow,” Ronan said, pushed away from the desk to instead hover awkwardly by his own bed. 

“Um,” Adam said, picked at the coverlet. “Do you want me to… uh… to come into town with you guys?” 

Ronan snorted, dropped himself down onto the mattress next to Adam, fought the urge to reach out and touch him. 

“Nah” he said, “you can stay here. Just letting you know.” 

Adam dropped himself backwards as well so they were lying shoulder to shoulder on the bed, their feet still on the floor. 

“Ok,” he said, “thanks.” 

“I’ll turn off the light?” Ronan said. 

“Mm,” Adam said. 

By the time Ronan had gotten up, crossed the room, turned the light off, crossed the room to his desk, downed his water, and returned to the bed, Adam was already under the blankets, head on pillow, eyes closed. 

Ronan prodded him, then climbed over him and under the blankets. 

“Think the mattress is an alien?” He whispered. 

Adam cracked an eye open to look at him. 

“The mattress is man made,” he whispered back. 

“So?” Ronan retorted, “We don’t know anything about alien reproduction.” 

“Shit,” Adam hissed, “I’m gonna have the fucking worst dreams tonight.” 

Ronan grinned into the dark. “Maybe your teeth are aliens,” he teased. “Maybe they’re like those wasps that lay their eggs in the pupae of other bugs and hatch and eat them.” 

“Ronan,” Adam said, “stop trying to make me dream about my teeth eating me.” 

-

Ronan didn’t think Adam actually would have bad dreams. If pressed on the subject of Adam’s dreams (which would be an odd thing to be asked about, unless you were talking about metaphorical dreams), Ronan would have said that Adam probably dreamed about eating an endless stick of garlic bread and writing an award winning essay. Maybe that was what Adam dreamed about some nights, who knew.

So, he wasn’t expecting Adam to dream about horrifying alien concepts, or even to have any memorable dream, and he definitely wasn’t expecting to wake up to the sound of harshly ragged breaths and a draft of cold air as Adam got out of the bed. 

It was late. Or very early. It was intensely dark at least, and Adam was just a darker shadow in the room. A darker shadow breathing very heavily and wetly. Ronan sat up. 

“Shit,” Adam said, voice rough, “I didn’t mean to wake you.” 

“Fuck’s going on?” Ronan asked, squinting at the dark as if he could speed up the process of his eyes getting used to it by sheer will power. 

“Nothing,” Adam muttered, “nothing. I’m just - I’m just going to the bathroom.” 

The shadow moved, Ronan’s bedroom door opened, the silhouette of Adam disappeared into the hallway. Ronan lay back down, his eyes open, waited. He could feel the sheet next to him was vaguely damp. Like Adam had been sweating despite the cool of the evening. The rest of his room offered him no additional clues, it hadn’t seen anything in the dark either. 

The toilet flushed down the hallway, and Ronan closed his eyes. Opened them again as his door snicked closed behind a returning Adam. The mattress dipped beside him and Adam’s leg - cold from his trip down the hall - brushed against Ronan’s hip. 

“Aliens?” Ronan asked. 

Adam didn’t snort, or laugh, even sarcastically. Just lay back down in the bed, pulled the blanket up around his shoulders. 

Ronan was far too awake for whatever godawful hour it was. He reached into the dark that wasn’t so dark now he was accustomed to it, touched his fingertips to Adam’s cheeks which were tacky as if they had been dried recently. Adam didn’t pull away from the touch. 

“I thought they were away for the weekend?” Ronan whispered. 

It was an… oblique statement - question - and something that wouldn’t have been understood by most people, and could be ignored or misunderstood by Adam if he wanted. 

“They’re never away from me,” Adam whispered back, truth loud in the middle of the night. “No matter how far they really are.” 

Ronan let his fingers drag his hand down, until it was resting with his palm on Adam’s jaw, his fingers in Adam’s curls. 

“Not forever,” he said. 

“Hopefully,” Adam conceded. 

-

They left Adam at the Barns the next morning, Aurora having given him strict instructions to eat whatever he wanted, and to turn the heating up if he got cold, and to not give in to the dogs’ (aptly named)puppy dog eyes for more food. 

Ronan fidgeted through Mass, tried to keep his thoughts together, to figure out exactly what it was he wanted - needed - to ask God for. He didn’t think Adam would appreciate him praying for the death of the Parrish parents. 

Matthew stayed in town, heading back to the dorms after Aurora had granted him enough kisses for the week, and then she and Ronan drove back to the Barns. 

-

“Adam isn’t sleeping in the guest room, is he?” She said quite conversationally as she navigated a pot hole. 

Ronan wasn’t even going to begin to guess how she knew this. 

“No,” he said. 

“Is it too cold?” She asked, “Does he need more blankets?” 

“No,” Ronan said again, he didn’t think so at least. “It’s just - “

He trailed off, unsure exactly what it was. Adam had said before. Had said he had felt like he was trespassing. Aurora waited, letting Ronan knock it out in his head. 

“It’s just,” Ronan tried again, “it’s a big house.” 

Aurora nodded, eyes on the road, “He’s lonely,” she agreed, “it must feel very silly to him to be so far apart when you could be together.” 

Ronan didn’t know how he was supposed to reply to that. 

“Do I need to worry?” Aurora asked then. 

“About what?” Ronan asked, entirely sincere. 

She shook her head, smiled. “Alright then,” she said, then, “I do worry about him, though.” 

Ronan couldn’t deny that. He nodded. 

“He does seem happier this weekend, though.” Aurora added, glanced at Ronan, “He’s very comfortable with you, isn’t he?” 

“His parents are away,” Ronan mumbled, “that’s all.” 

“You’re very comfortable with him too,” Aurora said, like it was a fact, “it’s nice seeing you so close with someone other than Gansey.” 

“What’s wrong with Gansey?” Ronan asked, head whipping up, “Gansey’s fine!” 

“No, I know,” Aurora laughed, “I know, darling. I love Gansey. And Noah too. It’s just nice to see you letting more people see you being you, you know?” 

“No,” Ronan grumbled, leaned over the gear stick to lean his head against her shoulder. 

-

Adam was in the garden when they got back. The sun was out, and though it was pitifully warm, it was still nice. He was sitting cross legged on the stone bench, one of Ronan’s jumpers on, his work book on his knee, scribbling away. He barely looked up as Ronan crossed over to him, leaving his mother to go into the house. 

“Hey nerd,” Ronan said, dropped himself down next to him, close enough that their hips were pressed together and Ronan could feel how cold Adam was. “You nearly done?” 

“I finished the essay,” Adam mumbled, “I’m just trying to summarise my notes for history.” 

“Boring.” Ronan said. “It’s cold out here. Come inside.” 

“In a minute,” Adam said, eyes fixed on his paper. “You go in.” 

Ronan did not go in. He squished the impossible distance closer to Adam, so their sides were joined and Adam’s ribs were poking at Ronan’s skin. 

“If you freeze to death out here,” Ronan said, “Matthew’ll fail his maths exams.” 

Adam snorted, then shivered, as if the talk of being cold had finally alerted his brain that he was indeed cold. “Ok,” he said, shut his work book. “Fine.” 

Ronan stood up, reached down to offer Adam a hand up as well, and then yanked him along by the hand inside into where it was warm and not the perfect temperature to send a malnourished idiot workaholic to his death bed. 

He didn’t want to let go of Adam’s hand when they were inside. It wasn’t something he lied to himself about, that he coveted Adam’s hands. Not over his own, of course, just over anything else in the world that he was allowed to hold. 

Adam’s hands were… were what he dreamed about when he was alone. They fit in Ronan’s so well. They were cold and needed warmth. Ronan didn’t feel like he was that great at giving all the time, but he could give Adam this. His warmth. 

It was the least he could do. 

He let go of Adam’s hand, because he was going to have to eventually and it was better to do it before it got awkward. 

“Cute jumper,” Ronan teased, and Adam plucked at the fabric as if he was surprised he was wearing it. He didn’t seem embarrassed though. 

“I was cold,” he said. 

“Yeah,” Ronan snorted, “because you were sitting outside on a fucking stone bench. Aren’t you supposed to be all clever like?” 

Adam shrugged. “Do you wanna play a video game or something?” He asked, “I’m done with homework for today.” 

A rare event. 

-

If God were to just grant Ronan’s wishes instead of his prayers (not that it felt like God was answering that many of his prayers anyway), tonight wouldn’t be the last night that Adam would let himself into Ronan’s room and bed. He’d stay tomorrow night as well, and the night after, and the night after that, and all the nights following. He’d never go home. His parents wouldn’t get to see him even in his nightmares. 

As it was, Ronan couldn’t say when, if ever, Adam would get into bed with him again, and he already missed the weight of him in bed next to him. 

“Don’t talk about aliens tonight,” Adam mumbled once the light was off and they were both in bed. “I need to actually sleep.” 

“Scaredy-cat,” Ronan said, because he knew Adam would prefer to be teased than called out for making aliens a scape goat. 

“I don’t think it’s unwise of me to be wary of the unknown,” Adam replied, and Ronan laughed. 

“Is that going to be part of one of your college entrance essays?” he asked, “It definitely sounds pretentious enough.  _ I don’t think it’s unwise of me _ , God.” 

“Piss off,” Adam replied, laughter in his voice as well, then shuddered, tugged at the blankets. “God,” he said, his voice almost awkward somehow, “it’s cold.” 

It was kind of cold, but not colder than the night before. Ronan certainly wasn’t cold in his pajamas and under his blankets and sharing a bed. He also certainly wasn’t going to pass up an opportunity like this. 

“Here,” he said, shifted onto his side to face Adam, wrapped his arm carefully over Adam’s chest, gripping his shoulder. “I’ll serve as a hot water bottle.” 

“Ah,” Adam said, relaxing into Ronan’s grip, “my knight of boiling water.” 

“Dumbass,” Ronan said. 

“Mm,” Adam agreed, pressed forwards more, until Ronan’s arm around him was less casual and more an actual hug. 

Praise the darkness for hiding facial expressions and involuntary blush. 

Adam’s face was against Ronan’s neck, his nose cold against his skin, his hair tickling his chin. It was a lot more… intimate than Ronan had ever thought to allow himself to hope for even despite the fact that Adam was literally sleeping with him. He wondered how long Adam would allow this. He wondered if Aurora was right that Adam slept with him because he was lonely. If he was comfortable with Ronan. If he was happier when he was with Ronan. If Ronan could make him happy. 

  
  


-

  
  


Ronan drove them into town early the next morning. He dropped Adam off at his first so Adam could get his bike and drop some of his stuff off, and then went to Monmouth to drop his own stuff off. 

“Hm, Ronan,” Gansey called as Ronan strode through their living area, empty birdcage under arm, bag on shoulder. Gansey had toast in his mouth. “Morning!” 

“Don’t choke,” Ronan called back, dropped his belongings on the floor in his room (he didn’t drop the cage), and then turned around to go out and find out what it was Gansey wanted. 

Noah intercepted him on the way, tackling him around the legs because he had been on the floor for some reason. They both ended up in a boney pile on the floor, Noah’s scruffy outfit even scruffier, Ronan’s askew tie mostly off. 

“Break any bones?” Gansey asked, his head appearing from behind the high backed couch. 

“Not yet,” Ronan said dryly, making a mostly joking threating gesture at Noah. “What’s up Dicky?” 

“My request for you to stop calling me that,” Gansey replied, raising his eyebrows at Ronan, and then disappearing again behind the couch. 

“He’s worried about Adam,” Noah offered, scrambling up onto his feet and darting away as Ronan swiped at him. 

Ronan stood up as well, climbed over the back of the couch to settle next to Gansey, and swiped a piece of his heavily peanut buttered toast. 

“Why?” He asked. 

Gansey sighed as well as one could while their mouth was gummed with peanut butter. Once he had swallowed enough he answered. 

“He usually studies in the library on Sunday,” Gansey said, “or reads there. Or researches there. Or comes here. He wasn’t here or at the library yesterday.” 

“So you don’t get to see your favourite study buddy for one day,” Ronan said, possibly not at all consolatory, “that’s reason to worry?” 

“It is when it’s Adam,” Noah chimed in, coming to lean over the back of the couch, to prop his chin up on Ronan’s head. “You know how he and Gans like their routines.” 

“It’s not just that,” Gansey said, he gave his plate to Ronan so that Ronan would stop dropping crumbs on the couch. “I know he tends to be quiet, and we’ve seen him… in pain often enough, but I - I just  _ feel _ like it’s getting worse.” 

Ronan wasn’t sure how to reply to this at all. 

“I just don’t know what to do for him,” Gansey bemoaned, shut his eyes briefly against the weight of the injustice of it all. “I want to help but he won’t let me. I feel the worse he gets the more he’ll shut us out and that worries me so much.” 

“Hey,” Ronan said, wanting desperately to not have to sound so sincere right now. “We won’t let that happen. Got it? He can shut us out all he likes, but he made the mistake of making friends with us, so he’s gonna have to put up with the consequences of that. He’s our business now.” 

Gansey blinked at him. 

“If I were a classical fairy tale maiden I would swoon,” Noah said cheerfully, “Ronan, how do you sound so noble?” 

“Piss off,” Ronan snorted. 

-

It was odd to see Adam in class after the weekend. They weren’t even sitting next to each other, and the distance felt uncomfortable after sleeping together the last few nights. The night before he had held Adam in his fucking arms until Adam had fallen asleep, and then for hours after. He had  _ held Adam in his arms _ and Adam had  _ let _ him. 

He knew it was just because of… because of how lonely Adam was, or like, how touch starved, or something Adam was. Adam was starving for everything it seemed like, and if he needed to get whatever it was from Ronan, Ronan was willing to give it. He wouldn’t kid himself that it was anything more though. He wouldn’t cross that line. Still. 

He wished Adam would look at him now, catch his eye and smile. Just something to show Ronan that the Adam that could find comfort in Ronan wasn’t a Barns only Adam. 

Adam didn’t turn around to look at him. His head was bent down over his desk, over his work book. His neck elegant. His hair curling on his nape. Ronan hated how his brain searched for similes and poetry when it focused on Adam.

Adam mightn’t have given Ronan the attention he wanted during class, but he made up for it during lunch. Not that he actually had anything to make up for, even if Ronan felt like he was lacking in something. 

The four of them collapsed in their usual spot, Adam sitting down so close to Ronan that for half a second he was sitting on the edge of Ronan’s thigh. Ronan did his best not to react in any way at all. He choked on his own spit. Adam handed him his water bottle. 

“So, Adam,” Gansey said, his voice warm and cheerful like it was when he was championing a campaign, “what did you get up to this weekend?” 

Adam glanced at Ronan, barely noticeable, but still. He shrugged. “Not much,” he said lightly, peeling his thin sandwich off the paper he’d wrapped it in. “Studied mostly. Finished the essay.” 

“Oh good,” Gansey said, “I was going to ask if you had. I’m having trouble wrapping up my conclusion.” 

“You just need to keep it concise,” Adam offered easily, “I know you always want to add in some more information and opinions at the end, but that’s not what Richards is looking for. He basically just wants you to mirror what you have in your introduction.” 

“Hm,” Gansey sighed, “that’s true. You’re right.” 

Adam nodded, took a bite of his sandwich. It looked to Ronan like it was quite possibly a filling-less sandwich. 

“I thought you might be at the library,” Gansey said. “So I swung by yesterday but I didn’t see you.” 

“My parents have been out of town,” Adam said, “they don’t get back until this afternoon. I took advantage of their absence.” 

“Makes sense,” Gansey said, nodded. 

Gansey was very good at careful questions and tip-toeing his way into subjects he wanted answers to, but Adam was equally clever in blocking any unwanted topics with a practiced and polite precision. 

“I worried you may have… become ill,” Gansey said slowly. “I heard there was a stomach bug around.” 

“Nah,” Adam was already finished with his sandwich. “I’m feeling pretty good. Why? Were you down with it?” 

“Oh, no,” Gansey shook his head, “I just - oh, hello Cheng, Henry, what can we do for you?” 

Ronan left Gansey to deal with whatever new dilemma the school saviour society were hoping to create and fix, and turned his attention to the dilemma of Adam’s lack of lunch instead. 

“Do you like chutney?” he asked. 

Adam glanced up at him, then down at the sandwich still in its wrapping by Ronan’s knee. He had opted to buy a pie for lunch instead, wanting something more savoury, and it would truly be a waste to let his mother’s lunch making go to waste. 

“I guess,” Adam said. 

“I don’t,” Ronan shrugged, shoved the sandwich at Adam, “but mum’ll be sad if no one eats it.” 

“I wouldn’t want her to be sad,” Adam replied, took the sandwich. 

-

Maybe Gansey did have reason to worry about Adam. Not that Ronan didn’t think that the fact that Adam lived with the world’s shittiest excuse for human’s wasn’t a reason to worry, but - 

Adam had been acting… cagey all week. He was busy a lot - which wasn’t news, Adam had too many jobs, too much care for schoolwork, and spent the majority of his free time catching up on sleep - but this was busier somehow. He turned down several ‘group hangs’ for times he ought to have been free according to his usual work schedule, he let Ronan drive him from school to work because apparently it saved him time that he needed, and he appeared somehow to be getting even less sleep than before. 

It was driving Ronan nuts, which meant of course that it was also driving Gansey nuts.

-

“He is pulling away,” Gansey worried, Thursday night after he’d spent the afternoon trying to wheedle Adam into having dinner with them to no avail. “Something is  _ wrong _ , Ronan. More so than usual.” 

“You need to give him a bit of space to breathe, Richard man,” Noah said, offering Gansey comfort in the form of a nutella bagel, “you’re acting like a helicopter.” 

“He’s just busy,” Ronan muttered, not looking up from the tug-o-war he was having with Chainsaw and the drawstring of his pants. “He’s not pulling away, he’s letting you be right up in face for as much of school as you can.” 

“It’s true,” Noah said, “I heard someone ask if you and Parrish had been superglued together today.” 

“No you didn’t,” Gansey grumbled, mouth full of bagel. 

“No,” Noah agreed, “I didn’t. But I thought it very loudly.” 

“If you’re so worried why don’t you just ask him?” Ronan asked, “Be all like, ‘hey, my good friend, are you trying to friend dump me?’” 

“That’s not what I’m worried about,” Gansey said, not quite sharply. 

Ronan knew this. 

-

“Gansey’s worried you’re leaving him,” Ronan said flatly the next day while he acted as taxi driver to Adam on his way to work. 

Adam was bent over his school bag in his seat rifling through it for God knows what, but he looked up at this. 

“What?” 

“Do you have some other geek friend?” Ronan suggested, “A new honours student you’ve been sneaking out to see?” 

“Aside from you?” Adam snorted, zipped his bag up. “I’m not avoiding him. I just spent all day with him all but holding my hand.” 

“Yeah,” Ronan shrugged. “He gets clingy when he worries.” 

“He has nothing to worry about,” Adam replied, his tone that dry sort of casual which Ronan knew from long exposure meant that he was, in fact, lying. 

“If you could let him know,” Ronan suggested, “it would make Monmouth a happier place.” 

“What do you suggest?” Adam said, “A card?” 

“Spend some time with him outside of school,” Ronan said, shrugged again, “shit man. Do I look like a relationship counsellor?” 

“Depends on the counsellor, I guess,” Adam shot back. He undid his seat belt as Ronan pulled up outside the factory. “I’ll try and see him on Sunday, I guess.” 

“So,” Ronan said, quickly before Adam could open the door. “You’re not coming to the Barns this weekend?” 

Adam’s hand was on the doorhandle but he didn’t make any move to open it. He was looking at the window but Ronan could see his reflection in the glass, brow furrowed. 

“Mum wants to know,” Ronan added weakly. 

“I want to,” Adam said, which was an admission Ronan hadn’t expected to hear. “But I don’t think… I don’t think I can. Not this week.” 

“Whatever,” Ronan tried. 

Adam still didn’t open the door. He was wasting precious seconds here sitting in the car with Ronan. 

“Are you worried?” Adam asked the window. 

Maybe a few weeks ago Ronan would have laughed. Would have just shrugged. Would have suggested Adam take a hike. He couldn’t make himself do it now. It was like his… his worry had intensified with closer contact with Adam. Like he had been protected from the majority of how he actually felt about Adam by never letting himself be anything like soft with him, and now he had he no longer had any protection. 

Fuck. 

“Yeah,” Ronan said. 

“That I’ll find new friends?” Adam was teasing now. Ronan wanted to shove him. Not really. 

“Sure,” Ronan said, sarcasm dripping. 

“Didn’t you just tell me I couldn’t ditch you guys even if I tried?” Adam asked, still aiming for some levity but missing it a little. “You’re my best friends.” 

Ronan let this sit in his mind for a few moments. 

“You’d tell me if shit got worse, right?” he asked, glad now that Adam wasn’t looking at him because he could only control so much of his emotion at once. “I know you won’t ask for shit, but you’d tell me. You’d tell me right?” 

“I’d tell you,” Adam said, exhaled heavily, and then opened the door abruptly. “I have to go.” 

Ronan watched him leave. 

-

He opted to stay at Monmouth that night, just to ease some of Gansey’s anxieties a little. Also perhaps a little because he had missed spending time with Gansey and Noah the last two weekends. He loved spending time just with Adam, craved it even, but it would be a lost cause to try and convince anyone that he could do without his other friends. 

He got to the Barns around noon on Saturday, joined his mother in the garden where she was pruning and winter readying, and she gave him a dirty and rosemary smelling hug. 

“No Adam today?” She asked when she pulled away, and Ronan shook his head. “Pity,” she said. “He was really doing wonders for Matthew’s grades.” 

Ronan had been doing a lot of thinking over the week. The last couple of weeks really. He had decided that now was as good a time as any. That Gansey loved him still, that nothing drastic had happened in response to revealing an extra part of himself. That it had helped, even, had made him feel less suffocated in his own skin. 

“Mama,” he said, as he knelt down in the dirt with her to hold back the branches of a rose bush so she could dehead some middle buds. 

“Darling,” Aurora replied, snipping deftly. 

“Do you remember the lullaby you used to sing me?” Ronan asked, which wasn’t what he had been planning on saying. 

Aurora pursed her lips, as if thinking back to the past. “Which?” She asked, “The one about the selkie babies, or, the birds in the blackberries?” 

“Neither,” Ronan shook his head. “The moon one.” 

“Oh,” Aurora nodded, “I see the Moon.” 

“Yeah.” 

“What about it?” 

Ronan shook his head. He wasn’t sure he really knew why he had brought it up either. He let go of the rose branches in favour of digging his fingers into the soft dirt by his knees instead. 

“Been having trouble sleeping?” Aurora suggested, putting her secateurs down carefully and reaching to cup Ronan’s cheek.

Ronan shook his head, then shrugged. He always had trouble sleeping, that wasn’t new. 

“You always did like that song,” Aurora said softly, “you used to think it was just for you, because of the Oak tree right outside your window.” 

Ronan snorted. His mother rubbed her thumb gently along his cheek bone. 

“When the moon was bright enough to shine through the branches into your window you were always so excited,” she continued. 

“Yeah,” Ronan nodded, “I saw the moon and the moon saw me.” 

“Exactly,” Aurora nodded back. 

This was ridiculous. He kept opening his mouth and saying things that weren’t the things he was trying to say. 

“I -” he started, sighed. 

“I haven’t sung that to you for a decade now,” Aurora said, kept stroking his face. “What’s made you think of it now?” 

“Over thinking,” Ronan mumbled. 

“Do you need me to give you more attention?” She asked, her voice entirely sincere. 

Ronan laughed a little. 

“I just don’t want things to be different,” he said to the dirt. “I know they already are. They keep changing, over and over again. But I - I’m scared this one will make a difference between you and me.” 

“No,” Aurora said, very simple. She lifted her other hand from her lap and brought it to Ronan’s face so she was cupping both his cheeks and tilting his head to face her. “I see you and you see me.” 

“I didn’t mean it to be a secret,” Ronan mumbled, “I just didn’t know how to say it.” 

Aurora stayed quiet, kept her gaze on him steady. 

“I’m gay,” he said, “I thought it was a small part of me, but I was wrong, and I - the bigger it felt the worse it was not to let you know.” He tried to drop his gaze back to the ground, but Aurora kept her hands on his face, ducked her head to bring his eyes back to hers. 

“I will always love all parts of you,” she said firmly, “big and small.” 

Ronan swallowed. 

“Thank you,” she continued, “for telling me. I’m so happy you told me.” 

He swallowed again. 

“Would you like me to sing your lullaby?” She asked.

He nodded. 

-

His life continued to not implode. His mother continued to love him the way she always had. He went back to Monmouth on Sunday afternoon after church and being given his kisses for the week. 

When he got there, Adam was there too, sprawled out on the floor with Gansey and what looked like Calculus. They both looked up when Ronan walked in, Gansey to smile, and Adam to simply watch him walk across the room. 

“Busy nerding it up, I see,” Ronan said archly as he reached his bedroom door, “I guess I should hide in my room and play loud music so none of your math loving infects me.” 

“Don’t,” Gansey called, sounding already like he maths had reabsorbed him. “Come spend time with us.” 

“Where’s Noah?” Ronan called back, “He had the good sense to get out?” 

“At the movies with his sisters,” Gansey replied. 

Ronan stepped back out of his room, leaned against his door lintel and observed. Gansey was looking much more relaxed than he had all week. Having Adam here and not avoiding him must have eased his fears a lot. Adam, however, was looking especially stressed. He hadn’t even said hello when Ronan had walked in. Rude. 

“How long are you guys planning on being boring for?” Ronan asked, stepping carefully closer, his eyes on the back of Adam’s head. “Want to head to Nino’s after for some pizza?” 

“I could do Nino’s,” Gansey agreed, “Adam?” 

“Uh,” Adam said, “I’m a bit tight this week.” 

“I owe you from last week,” Ronan said, “so I”ll spot you.” 

This was a lie, not the spotting, the owing. Adam knew this, Ronan knew this. Gansey didn’t know this. 

Adam shrugged. “Ok,” he said, “but I’ve got to be home before six.” 

-

They texted Noah so he knew where to find them if he wanted to join them after he got out of the movies, because it was odd when it was only the three of them. They were used to it being the four of them almost always, and when it wasn’t, it tended to be Adam who wasn’t with them. 

While Gansey visited the bathroom to have a very shoddy excuse to walk past the angry waitress, Ronan shuffled around in the booth so he was less in the middle and more thigh to thigh with Adam. 

“Mum missed you,” he said. 

Adam huffed out a puff of air in near silent amusement, fiddled with the napkin in front of him. 

“What happened?” Ronan tried. 

Adam glanced at him, then away, craning his neck as if he were trying to spot Gansey through the diner. 

“Nothing’s happened,” he said. There was somehow an unspoken  _ yet _ left lingering in the edges of his voice. 

Ronan frowned. 

“I need to ask you something,” Adam said then, quietly. “Your permission. I guess.” 

“What?” Ronan asked, and if he was a little snappish it wasn’t on purpose. 

“You know St Agnes,” Adam mumbled. 

“Uh,” Ronan said, “yeah, funnily enough I am aware of my church. Yeah.” 

“You know it has a flat above its offices?” 

“Yeah,” Ronan frowned, “how do you know that?” 

“I saw it in the church newsletter your mum brought home. Uh. About how they were looking for a new tenant.” 

Ronan waited. Adam sighed, continued; 

“Would you hate it if I moved there?” He asked, which was so out to the left field of what Ronan had been expecting that he just stared at Adam for a few long moments. 

“What?” Ronan asked, and Adam sighed again. 

“I applied to live there,” Adam said, “and they’ve offered the place to me, but I - I don’t want to take it if you’d find it… uncomfortable.” 

“What the fuck,” Ronan said, “like hell I find it uncomfortable. Take the fucking flat, man!” 

Adam rolled his eyes, but his shoulders were suddenly unsubtly more relaxed, his jaw looser. 

“Why the fuck didn’t you say anything?” Ronan demanded, poking Adam in the side. 

“I didn’t want to - to get your hopes up,” Adam mumbled, “to get anyone’s hopes up. Don’t tell anyone yet. I don’t - there’s still - I still have some shit to figure out before I can move, so if I can’t make it, then - yeah.” 

“Ok,” Ronan said, cleared his throat. He felt stupidly giddy at this whole prospect. “I won’t. I’ll help you move.” 

“Lynch -” 

“Like,” Ronan said, “I’ll be your moving truck, or whatever. When do you move?” 

Adam swallowed. “Hopefully,” he said, “I get to move in in a fortnight from now. They’re giving me a bit of grace time to get the down payment sorted, and I - I don’t have a - I don’t know how I’m  _ leaving _ yet.” 

“Try pulling the finger as you walk out the door,” Ronan suggested. “That’d really give them the message.” 

“Lynch,” Adam said again, but he was grinning now, bright and loose like he really meant it. 

“Shit,” Ronan said, “I didn’t - fuck, man.” 

“Don’t get your hopes too high yet,” Adam said softly, a warning despite his smile, “I still have time to fuck it up.” 

There was still time to fuck up a lot of things. A whole lifetime to fuck up shit. Ronan felt like he’d swallowed a bottle of ‘who gives a fuck’, his hopes were high. 

Their thighs were already pressed together, but Ronan shifted himself closer again. He wanted to have the same kind of looseness that Matthew had, that Noah had, that would allow him to just hug Adam right now. To hug Adam and not have it seem… weird. 

Adam laughed a little, his body rocking as Ronan nudged him with his efforts on getting closer. 

“You trying to push me off?” he teased, gave Ronan a short shove back, and Ronan laughed. 

“So what if I am?” He shot back, shoved Adam again, with no real intent and not much force, but Adam rocked playfully back anyway. 

He reached to shove Adam again, and this time Adam intercepted his hand mid air, trapped it with his own, and dropped them joined to the seat. Ronan’s face was still stuck in his grin, Adam’s was still holding its smile. Ronan felt like his heart was in his hand right now. Adam squeezed his hand hard - not hard enough to hurt, just enough to  _ feel _ \- and then let go, shuffled back so their thighs were pressed together. 

“I saw Matthew a bit earlier,” Adam said then, casual, as if he hadn’t just delivered a devastating amount of adrenaline straight to Ronan’s heart. “At the library. I think he was photocopying every single past Maths exam they had.” 

“Yeah,” Ronan managed to get out. “He uh - he - he’s not looking forward to having to know what he’s doing.” 

Their pizza arrived then, Gansey in tow. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this got away from me a bit, but it's done(?) now! As always, there is little to no editing involved with the writing of this chapter, so thank you all yet again for sticking with the story and leaving such lovely comments and kudos!
> 
> CW for Robert Parrish style violence. It's not explicit but it's there.

Now that Ronan knew what Adam was doing, his assiduous industry actually made sense. He’d apparently taken at least one extra shift per day and it was wearing him down past the quick, especially with the chores he still had to do at home  _ and _ his homework. Obviously he couldn’t tell his parents that he had because otherwise they’d want the money/ want to know why.

It just sounded like a lot. Ronan felt tired just hearing about Adam’s schedule. Not that he didn’t want Adam to tell him his schedule, in fact, he was fucking pleased that Adam was telling him shit. If he couldn’t do anything for Adam (if only because Adam wouldn’t  _ let _ him), he could at least let him rant so it wasn’t all just… a secret. 

It did mean that he felt a little bit bad about not telling Gansey. Which was dumb. Not telling Gansey wasn’t hurting him, and it wasn’t Ronan’s secret to tell, but. He knew that if Gansey knew he’d be a lot less worried about Adam, and probably he would have useful things to say. Probably not useful things to say too, to be honest. 

-

It fell into a routine - more so than the last week now that Ronan knew what was going on. He’d get up early and pick Adam up at the end of his driveway, take him to his first early shift, drop him off and go get breakfast, come back an hour later to pick Adam up and give him breakfast and let him change into his school uniform in his backseat. He’d take Adam to school, carry a small sunny feeling in his stomach around with him all through classes while thinking about Adam smiling at him in a token of his gratitude, thinking about Adam’s shirt riding up and exposing a warm expanse of his lower back, thinking about Adam feeding chips into his mouth while they drive to school, thinking about Adam’s hand lingering on his shoulder, on his face, touches that seemed accidental lasting too long, thinking about Adam. 

After school Ronan would head to his car with Adam and take him to his next shift, drop him off, then he’d muck around speeding, or go back to Monmouth and hang out with Noah and Gansey, or he’d sit in the carpark in his car and - God - do his fucking homework. Then he’d pick Adam up, chuck him a cereal bar, and drive him home. 

It was… he didn’t understand how Adam was letting him do all this. Usually Adam would balk at being given rides more than once a day, and now he was actively asking Ronan to drive him around everywhere and letting Ronan get him food, and letting Ronan lean in to wipe grease off of his face, or leaning too close over him to get into the glove compartment, or - 

He wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth though (or a gift receiving horse), and so he didn’t bring it up, and he didn’t complain, and he didn’t even joke about it. 

-

“You know,” Ronan said on Thursday, staring very hard out the front window of his car and forcing himself to not try and catch a glimpse of Adam changing in his backseat. “Instead of you, like, working your fucking fingers to the bone for the extra cash, I could  _ loan _ you the rest of the down payment.” 

Adam snorted loudly, and then thumped the back seat. Ronan was pretty sure the thump was accidental. 

“I’m fucking serious, man,” Ronan snapped, “it wouldn’t be a gift. It’d be a loan. I could charge you interest if that helps.” 

“I’m not gonna treat you like a bank,” Adam said flatly, “anyway. I’m on track to earn enough. This isn’t a problem.” 

“This isn’t a problem?” Ronan snorted now. “You’re literally changing in my backseat because you don’t even have a fucking ten minute break between shifts at jobs across town from each other.” 

“Yup,” Adam grunted, it sounded like he was doing his pants up now, “and I’m not going to be late or in the wrong uniform, so it sure doesn’t look like a problem.” 

Ronan groaned, leaned against the steering wheel as he turned in his seat to look back at Adam. His hair was a mess and he had a smudge of grease under his left eye, and he somehow looked about twelve percent hotter than he usually looked. Adam glanced up at him, his hands busy doing his shirt buttons up. 

“If you don’t wanna drive me, that’s ok too,” he said, “I could bike it.” 

“Fuck off,” Ronan said. 

“Ok,” Adam shrugged, dropped his hands away from his now buttoned shirt, “thanks for the lift then. Will you be at Monmouth later? Gansey asked me to come around.” 

“Nah,” Ronan shook his head, “I’ll be here later. You don’t have your bike, dipshit. I’ll pick you up.” 

For a moment Adam looked like he might argue, but then he shrugged and opened the backseat door. “Ok,” he said, “see you then, Lynch.” 

“Later, Parrish.” 

-

Gansey had wanted Adam over to work on history mocks together, so Ronan left them to it and retired to his bedroom. He loved the both of them, but there was no way in hell he was going to hang around while they discussed stupid ancient dates and poncy ass long names. He liked history well enough, but he felt like it was ruined when it was only all about the dates and names. Where was the drama? The story? The lessons fucking learned? Sometimes he forgot his own fucking birthdate so how was he supposed to remember dates that had nothing to do with him? 

(He’d never forget Adam’s birthdate though.)

  
  


-

  
  


He was halfway through his third true crime episode of the night with Chainsaw tucked under his arm and his hands busy with knitting (his mum insisted he learn because his fingers were always so bored and so maybe it wasn’t what some people thought was ‘manly’ or whatever, but Chainsaw fucking loved her little bird hats so everyone could fuck the fuck off), when Adam knocked on his door, and then pushed it open. He held his finger up to his lips in a way which made Ronan want to do the very opposite of what Adam was asking for. 

“What?” Ronan hissed from his bed, watching, intrigued, as Adam slipped in and shut the door behind him. “Why quiet?” 

“It was as easy as you said,” Adam whispered back. “Gans said he was going to the bathroom, and I said I should head home, and then I -” He shrugged expansively, eyes bright. 

Ronan was in fucking love and it wasn’t fucking fair. 

“Oh my God,” Ronan snorted, possibly not as quietly as he ought to have. “You sneaky bitch.” 

“Shh,” Adam reminded him, crossing the room between them quickly and dropping down on the end of Ronan’s bed. “I can get away with it tonight. Dad’s out at a party, which means mum’s probably gone to bed early.” 

“You done with homework?” Ronan asked, shuffling a little to the side in encouragement for Adam to come sit next to him instead of the end of the bed. He put his knitting aside and cleared his throat. “Wanna watch some true crime?” 

“Is it like, supernatural horror shit?” Adam asked, crawling up the bed and collapsing on his elbow next to Ronan. He stroked Chainsaw’s beak with one finger and peered at Ronan’s computer screen. “And do they get solved?” 

“Not supernatural horror,” Ronan grunted, “and yeah, some get solved.” 

“Catch me up on this episode, then,” Adam said, settling in against Ronan’s side in a way that was decidedly more intimate than Ronan was used to despite the last few weekends of sleeping together. 

He caught Adam up on the episode, handed him an earbud, and pressed play.

After a couple more episodes, he left Adam in his room to go to the bathroom and grab some water, and to say goodnight to Gansey. 

“Bed?” Gansey asked, his voice raised so Ronan could hear him in the main room from the bathroom. “Early for you.” 

“I’m tired,” Ronan called back through a mouthful of toothpaste. “Did you get your mocks done?” 

“God,” Gansey groaned, “yes. It’s a lot, Ronan. I think we’ll be fine, though.” 

“Of course you will,” Ronan snorted, “you’re both fucking geniuses. When have you ever got under a B?” 

“I hope I’ll never get under a bee,” Gansey called back, his tone vaguely gleeful. 

Ronan groaned loud enough for Gansey to hear, and Gansey laughed. 

“Bad joke,” Ronan said, “are you going to bed soon?” 

“Yes,” Gansey said, “I was just going to call Mallory first.” 

“Ok,” Ronan came out of the bathroom, large glass of water in his hand. “Say hi to the old fart for me.” 

“You don’t even like him,” Gansey pointed out, though he didn’t sound put out about it. 

“No,” Ronan agreed, “goodnight, Gans.” 

“Ronan,” Gansey said, stopping Ronan in his tracks.

He turned to look at Gansey, but Gansey was looking at his knees, at the crumpled sheet beside him on his bed. 

“What’s up, man?” Ronan tried, doing his best to sound very casual and not like he was hiding his crush in his bedroom for no real reason at all. 

“Just,” Gansey frowned at his mattress, adjusted his glasses carefully with his forefinger. “I know I get… anxious for no reason sometimes. Like with Adam. But I feel like lately… you and I - you and I haven’t been spending as much time together. And I - well. I wanted to know if it was something I said, or something I didn’t say, or -” 

“Gans,” Ronan interrupted before Gansey could work himself into a clarification frenzy. He put his glass down on a cluttered side table and stepped over to Gansey’s bed quickly. He sat down next to him and shoved his shoulder gently. “You absolute dumbass,” he said fondly. 

Gansey shifted somewhat uncomfortably. “I realise I may not have reacted perfectly to you… coming out to me,” he said softly, “and I wanted to apologise for that.” 

“Gansey,” Ronan said helplessly, “you reacted just fine! Listen. I fucking love you, ok? That hasn’t changed at all. You haven’t said or done anything that pissed me off, got it? You’re my best fucking friend. So like. Give me a hug.” 

“Oh,” Gansey said, leaned quickly forwards to wrap his arms around Ronan. “Thank God.” 

“Shit, man,” Ronan grumbled, squeezing Gansey tightly against him, “I know I’ve been spending a bit more time at the Barns lately, or like, just out” he said, “but that has nothing to do with you. I  _ miss _ you when I’m there.” 

Gansey sniffed appreciatively. “I miss you too,” he said, “not that I don’t want you to get to spend time with your family, of course.” 

“I know,” Ronan rolled his eyes. “Jesus on a bike, Gansey. You really think it’s that easy to get rid of me?” 

“Not with my sensible brain,” Gansey said quietly, “but my unsensible brain is certainly in charge for things like this.” 

“Stupid,” Ronan said. 

-

By the time he got back into his room - another fifteen or so minutes later - Adam was in his bed, one of Ronan’s t-shirts on, Ronan’s phone in hand, his face lit up by the screen. 

Ronan wondered if he was wearing some of his pants as well. Wondered if this whole scenario was a gift from God to make up for all the bad shit he’d had to go through. Wondered if this was just more bad shit for him to go through. 

“Hi,” Adam said lowly, “you don’t mind?” 

He could have been talking about the fact that he was in Ronan’s bed, or in his t-shirt, or on his phone. Ronan didn’t mind about any of them. He shrugged. 

“Got you some water,” he grunted, put it down on his bedside table, and then stepped away to shuck his jeans. “What’re you looking at?” 

“Just browsing used furniture,” Adam mumbled, “for the St Agnes flat.” 

“We’ve got some shit you could have,” Ronan replied, pulling his pajama pants on quickly. “Here and at the Barns. Stuff we don’t use.” 

“Hm,” Adam said noncommittally. He handed Ronan the phone as Ronan stepped over to the bed, and shuffled over to give Ronan room to get in. “Maybe.” 

Ronan put his phone on to charge - only so he could listen to music on it tomorrow -, flicked off the bedside lamp, and got in next to Adam. 

This was different to Adam staying over at the Barns. It  _ felt _ different. 

At the Barns it was… premeditated. His mum was just down the hallway, his brother in the next room. Sleeping with Adam was always  _ exciting _ but it had never felt risky before. Risky like he might be found out. Adam being here, at Monmouth as well as in his bed, was a secret. Gansey didn’t know, Noah didn’t know. Adam had chosen to be here for no other reason than he wanted to spend the night with Ronan. Right? That was the reason, right?? 

“Will you leave early, tomorrow?” Ronan whispered, “So Gansey won’t know?” 

“Mm,” Adam agreed, rolling onto his side to face Ronan, “I have an early shift at the factory anyway, so I have to.” 

“I’ll drive you,” Ronan said. 

“Gansey ok?” Adam asked then. He was squinting at Ronan through the dark, despite his face being barely a pillow’s length away. 

“Yeah,” Ronan breathed, blinking carefully to bring Adam’s face into focus, “he just worries, you know how he does.” 

“Yeah,” Adam acknowledged. “You do too.” 

“Know how he worries?” 

“Worry,” Adam clarified. Ronan could just make out that he was rolling his eyes. 

“So?” Ronan grumbled, closed his eyes so he couldn’t see whatever faces Adam was pulling at him. 

Adam was quiet for a few long moments, then the pillow rustled a little, and shockingly Adam’s breath was on his face. 

“I like it,” Adam said, soft. 

Ronan kept his eyes shut. Tight. “Gee,” he said, “thanks. So glad you like it when I worry.” 

“I don’t like that you worry,” Adam said, his voice a little taut, “I like that it’s… that it’s … for me.” 

His breath was still on Ronan’s face. 

“You don’t usually like when things are for you,” Ronan said, words clunky in the space between them. 

The pillow rustled a little again. 

“I do when it’s you,” Adam replied. He was breathing very steadily, as if he was paying careful attention to his every move and word and even his lungs were being strictly organised. 

If Ronan opened his eyes now it might break the moment, the course of what was happening. If he was right about what was happening. How could he be right? How could any of this be happening? Adam Parrish was all about being better than he had been yesterday and about moving up in the world until everything he had was worthy of being in his presence and… 

Ronan didn’t quite think he was ...worthy, he supposed. 

He kept his eyes shut, maybe even if he didn’t  _ deserve _ this he could still have it. 

“Ronan,” Adam said, like he had been waiting on an answer, like there had been a real question there. 

Ronan swallowed. “So, uh,” he said, eyes closed, closed, closed. “Did I tell you I’m gay?” 

Adam snorted, much louder than the rest of this had been, and the bed sheets shifted as Adam suddenly sat up, or maybe propped himself up on his elbow. 

“Lynch,” he said, and it was hard to tell here if his voice was amused or not. “I have no idea if that was you turning me down or not.” 

Now Ronan opened his eyes because this was a verbal confirmation of something actually happening and not just… inferences and wishes. Adam was sitting up on his elbow, head bent to the side, staring at Ronan in the way he usually stared at his nearly finished homework. 

“I wasn’t sure you were asking a question or not,” Ronan gritted out. 

Adam sighed. “Uh,” he said. “Thanks for telling me. About the gay thing? Me too. Well, I like guys and girls. But yeah.” 

Ronan knew that opening his eyes had been a bad idea. It felt like whatever moment they had been having was entirely gone now. Though it was nice to hear Adam saying he liked  _ guys _ . 

“Ok,” Ronan said. 

“Lynch,” Adam said, he seemed frustrated suddenly. “Are you turning me down? I gotta know so I know if you need me to get out of your bed and go back.” 

“What,” Ronan sat up now, needing to be upright so he could think properly. “You weren’t kidding?” 

“Of course I wasn’t kidding!” Adam shut his eyes briefly, “I was - I thought you  _ knew _ … we’ve been - I thought I was the one keeping  _ you _ waiting!” 

Ronan possibly should submit himself to the dumbest person alive awards. 

“I could never turn you down, the fuck,” Ronan said, “I just didn’t think waiting was gonna lead anywhere.” 

“Shit,” Adam snorted, “oh God. I thought I was bad at this.” 

“Should I have kissed you a few moments ago?” Ronan asked, “Was I supposed to kiss you?” 

“I would have liked it if you had,” Adam confirmed. He dropped himself off of his elbow to lie back down on his side. “I thought you would.” 

Ronan wondered if he ought to take a quick break to send some prayers of gratitude upwards, or maybe prayers for absolution for being such an utter oblivious dumbass. 

“Oh,” he said. Shifted on his elbow. He was very pleased he’d brushed his teeth before he came back to bed. Pleased he’d had some water. 

He kissed Adam then, just lightly. A careful kiss which Adam returned just as carefully. 

“Do you want me to stay?” Adam asked once Ronan had lain back down next to him. 

“Yeah,” Ronan said, “to never leave, as well.” 

“I’m gonna have to disappoint you on that one,” Adam mumbled. He lifted his hand from where it was by the pillow and brushed his fingers against Ronan’s cheeks. “I’m… sorry for - confusing you? I thought we were on the same page.” 

Ronan shook his head, pressed his face forwards against the touch of Adam’s hand, “I was trying too hard not to fool myself that you might...yeah. So.” 

Adam kissed him again, still light, still careful. He pulled back to look at Ronan, and then kissed him twice more. 

“At the risk of offending you,” Adam whispered, “I’ve… known you liked me for almost a year now.” 

Ronan wasn’t offended, maybe a little miffed. 

“Rude,” he whispered back, “fuck. I thought I was being subtle.” 

“Apparently it was me being subtle,” Adam said, he sounded unfairly amused. “Too subtle.” 

“Fuck off,” Ronan grumbled. 

“I’m sorry it took me so long to say something,” Adam said then, his voice suddenly very sincere, “I got used to talking to you without speaking.” 

-

They didn’t… kiss more that night. Adam had been tired - was always tired - and Ronan was worried that maybe this was a dream, or that maybe Adam was sleep kissing? Instead, Adam had shuffled himself down in the sheets and rested his head on Ronan’s shoulder and breathed slow and deep until he was asleep, and Ronan had lain there with Adam in his arms and his heart in his mouth and his shoulder asleep and tried and tried and tried to sleep as well. 

He must have slept at some point, because when he woke up with his eyes sore and his body warm and sleepy, Adam was out of the bed and getting swiftly dressed. 

He must have noticed Ronan stirring, because he glanced over at the bed. 

“I’ve gotta go before Gansey wakes up,” Adam whispered, “and to get to my early shift in time.” 

“Wait,” Ronan grumbled, trying to convince his body to let him wake up fully, “I’ll drive you.” 

“Ok,” Adam said, not protesting at all, “think you can be awake in the next three minutes?” 

“Slave driver,” Ronan huffed, pushing himself out of the warm cocoon of blankets and into the chill of early morning. 

-

He drove Adam to work, mumbled something about picking him up again for school in an hour, watched Adam disappear into the shadow of the factory, and then pushed his seat back and tried to worm his way back into sleep. 

He woke to Adam tapping on his window, and then to his passenger side door opening and Adam getting in and leaning over and poking him. 

“Adam,” he said, voice sleep hoarse. 

“That’s me,” Adam said, sounding almost cheerful despite the early hour. 

Ronan levered his seat back upright, rubbed his face carefully, and then spoke even more carefully. 

“Last night,” he said, trying not to let his voice betray him by wobbling awfully, “I - I don’t play, Parrish. I don’t do things by halves. So. This is the moment for you to tell me what page exactly it is you’re on.” 

Adam was wearing one of Ronan’s beanies, he realised, how did he miss that before? 

“I know you don’t play,” Adam said, much calmer than Ronan. Whether because he was calm or because he was better at pretending than Ronan was (the uncharitable part of Ronan was busy saying that Adam was better at  _ lying _ than he was, but that wasn’t fair of him). “I’m not playing with you Ronan.”

It would be easy to leave it at that. Still vague but with pretty words. Not a commitment enough that Ronan would feel like he’d have the right to be hurt and betrayed if after maybe a week of kissing Adam called things off. 

“No,” Ronan said, firmer than he felt. “I need you to tell me for sure.” 

Adam nodded. He reached across the gap between them and touched Ronan’s wrist (stupid that this was something that lit his insides up with fireworks). “I kissed you last night,” Adam said, “because I had thought that you wanted to… to be my boyfriend. I thought you were waiting for me to be ready. I’m ready. To be your boyfriend. If that’s what you want. I’m not doing things by halves. This is me saying that I’m all in.” 

“Oh,” Ronan said. Oh. He sat there, Adam’s fingers calloused on his skin, resting in between his wrist bones, the words sinking slowly into his brain, into his lungs, oxygenating his blood, pumping his heart, filling his bones. “Oh.” 

“Ok,” Adam said, “uh. Is this where you tell me that you don’t actually want that after all?” 

“Fuck no,” Ronan said, his mouth allowed to form real words again now. “Fuck no. No. Boyfriend yes. Want that.” (Real words were actually possibly still escaping him.) 

Adam laughed at him. His fingers shifted, wrapped around Ronan’s wrist, held him firmly. 

“What now, then?” Adam asked. 

“We could get into the back seat and make out a bit,” Ronan said, braver than he felt. “Really break this thing in.” 

“That’s a weird way to phrase that,” Adam said, but at least he sounded amused rather than disgruntled. “And we have school in ten minutes.” 

“Fuck school,” Ronan said, though he knew it would have no affect on Adam’s intentions. “Whatever. Do you want me to drive you back to yours so you can pick up your bike?” 

“Ok,” Adam said, “but you know that wasn’t a no to the making out, right?” 

“What?” Ronan said. 

Adam was pulling his seatbelt on, laughed again. He was laughing a lot this morning. “Too slow,” he said, “c’mon, drive me to mine so you won’t have to be my chauffeur all day again today.”

“I don’t mind driving you,” Ronan grumbled as he put the car in gear. “And anyway, I thought you liked it.” 

“I do like it,” Adam said, simple, “but I also like knowing that you’re not just following me around all day and not doing shit for yourself.” 

“This is for myself,” Ronan said, backing out of his park, “dumbass.” 

-

Adam changed at his trailer. He dashed inside while Ronan idled out front doing his best not to make a nuisance of himself, changed, grabbed his bike, loaded his bike into the boot, and crashed back in next to Ronan. They drove to school. They did not get time to make out in the backseat. 

-

“What?” Ronan hissed, when Adam intercepted him on his way to eat lunch. 

Adam had darted out of his classroom when Ronan walked past (he was absolutely not walking past simply to pick Adam up from class), grabbed his arm, and tugged him hurriedly in the wrong direction. 

“Come on,” Adam said, leading Ronan along with him against the flow of students escaping class, “the french classroom will be empty.” 

“Because french is boring,” Ronan said, pretending for a blissful moment that he didn’t actually speak french as well, “why do we care that it’ll be empty?” 

Adam didn’t think this was a question worth answering apparently because he simply shook his head, pulled Ronan around the corner into the empty hallway, and then into the empty classroom, and shut the door behind them. 

“Uh, hello? Parrish?” Ronan grunted, standing still by the door waiting for Adam to start making sense. “What are we doing?” 

Adam, again, declined to answer, instead choosing to stride over to the windows and look out. Then he did answer, but physically, stepping up into Ronan’s space and pressing his hands to Ronan’s chest and pushing Ronan’s back against the door and leaning in and - 

“Put it together yet?” Adam asked, “Is this ok?” 

“Oh,” Ronan said, “ _ Oh _ , fuck. Yeah.” 

“Good,” Adam said, and then possibly repeated that but with his lips pressed up against Ronan’s lips and so it came out all smushed. 

He didn’t kiss him at all hesitantly, not at all like the previous night. He kissed him like he meant it, like he had meant it for months and months and months and this was their last chance to ever, ever see each other and - 

Ronan felt like he was being consumed. Not in a bad way, or like, a sloppy way. Just like… just like he knew he had been  _ hungry _ for this and Adam had been too. 

He swore when Adam pulled away, though he didn’t meant to. He also hadn’t meant for his hands to wind themselves into the front of Adam’s school jumper to forestall Adam from pulling too far away, or for his mouth to follow after Adam’s. 

“We still need to have lunch,” Adam mumbled, not making much of an effort to avoid Ronan kissing him again. Ronan kissed him again twice. Thrice. “We have to go soon if we don’t want Gansey to ask questions.” 

“We don’t want Gansey to ask questions?” Ronan asked, “We don’t want to tell him?” 

“No, I just,” Adam hesitated, “I didn’t mean that we don’t tell him.” 

“Do you want us to be a secret?” Ronan asked, “Do you need us to be?” 

“No,” Adam said slowly, “I just - I want him to know. Of course. Noah too. Other people too. Just. Can it be just ours first? For a bit?” 

Ronan wouldn’t have minded too much if Adam had wanted them to be secret entirely. So long as they weren’t secret to each other. 

“Ok,” Ronan said, “ok, yeah. Yeah that’s fine.” 

-

If Gansey noticed they were later than usual, or that Ronan was pinker than usual, or that Adam was… smilier than usual, he didn’t comment. Noah definitely noticed something was up, but he didn’t comment either - or at least, not in front of Gansey. He waited until he and Ronan were stomping their way to class together to bring up the fact that he was apparently omniscient. 

“You finally kissed him, huh?” Noah said, no beating around the bush involved, as he elbowed Ronan in the side.

“Hey what - the - uh - the fuck?” Ronan sputtered, coming to a full stop and planting himself firmly in the concrete. “Who? What?” 

Noah giggled a little, like he was full of mirth and hadn’t been able to stop that little bit escaping. “Adam,” he said, waggled his eyebrows at Ronan. “It only took you, what, a year?”

Ronan didn’t answer. He wouldn’t say he was  _ dumbfounded _ or anything as severe as all that, but like… 

“Was it when Adam stayed over last night?” Noah asked, voice sly, “You took your chance? Slipped him a little tongue?” 

“Oh my  _ God _ , Noah,” Ronan groaned, finally unstuck enough to shove at him, “fuck off. I didn’t.” 

“Huh.” 

Adam had asked for it to be just them for now, but like, Ronan hadn’t told Noah. Noah just seemed to know. 

“But you kissed him, right?” Noah pushed, “You guys definitely kissed?” 

Ronan relented, just a little. Started walking again, lengthening his strides so Noah had to hurry to keep up with him. “He kissed me,” he grunted. 

Noah hooted. 

-

“Noah knows,” Ronan said, as soon as the car door had clicked shut behind Adam after school had let out. “I didn’t tell him, he just guessed it.” 

Adam didn’t look surprised exactly. A little, maybe? But possibly just because Ronan had started speaking the moment they were alone. 

“I’m sorry,” Ronan added in a rush, “I know you wanted it to be… to be kept quiet for a bit at first.” 

“It’s fine,” Adam shook his head, “it’s fine. I trust Noah, I trust you. It’s fine.” 

“Okay,” Ronan sighed, relief in his breath, “okay Cool. Work?” 

“Mm,” Adam nodded, suddenly looking a little disgruntled. “Man. I just want to be finished with work for the week already. Even my eyes hurt.” 

Apparently - and this wasn’t a complaint - being Adam’s  _ boyfriend _ meant that Adam told him things freely, admitted weakness without needing to be coerced into it. Maybe it was just a side effect of being so close to being free from his parents. 

“Suck it up,” Ronan said kindly, “the more you complain the less I want to drive the back way just so I can kiss you before work.” 

Adam eyed him, his face shrewd, and then he grinned. 

“It makes you want to kiss me more,” he said, far too accurately (God, was Ronan just an open book to his friends?). 

“Fuck off,” Ronan growled, “you being a smart ass might put me off.” 

“It won’t,” Adam said, seeming suddenly to have had a boost to his confidence, as if he had just remembered that Ronan wanted him and wanted him and wanted him and had closed his eyes at just the touch of Adam’s hand to his cheeks earlier today, and had pressed closer and closer until his chest felt like it was collapsing against Adam’s and - 

Ronan felt the need to enhance this moment with some biting sarcasm. His mouth wouldn’t oblige. 

“Nothing about you puts me off,” he said all too clearly. “Even your fucking nerd boy antics turns me on.” 

Adam snorted, “Let’s go,” he said, “time’s wasting.” 

Ronan didn’t think a single moment was ever wasted if he had spent it with Adam. He drove Adam to work. Adam kissed him softly and swiftly before he got out of the car, took his bike from the boot, told Ronan he would drop by Monmouth in the evening, and went to work. 

Ronan drove around the block four times, and then drove back to Monmouth. 

-

He was going to go to the Barns tonight, with Gansey hopefully (reliant on Gansey feeling like he’d given up enough of himself to school over the week and not feeling the need to volunteer at the open day all day Saturday) , but he’d wait until after Adam had dropped by, because he may have spent all morning, noon, and afternoon with Adam but he hadn’t seen him nearly enough. 

“What time are you planning on leaving?” Gansey asked, calling from his desk to Ronan in his room. 

Ronan was lying on his stomach, head hanging over the end of his bed, trying to tempt Chainsaw out of her dust bunny hunting with a shred of salami. 

“Uh,” he groaned, let his head just hang so his face was mashed against the base of the mattress, “later.” 

“For dinner?” Gansey called. 

“If that works with later,” Ronan replied, unhelpful. 

“Ronan,” Gansey was in his bedroom doorway now. “Are we waiting on something?” 

Chainsaw lunged then, realising that Ronan wasn’t paying attention, and nearly took of his fingers in her salami rampage. Once he was upright again, fingers mostly intact, munching noises coming from under the bed, he glared at Gansey. 

“No,” he said, because it wasn’t technically a lie. Adam wasn’t some _ thing _ . 

-

Adam arrived while Gansey was ‘just popping in to Aglionby, Ronan, for no longer than half an hour, I swear-’, and he let himself in and found Ronan making shitty instant coffee in the bathroom/kitchen/laundry/hazard. 

“Where’s Noah?” Adam asked, making sure Ronan knew he was there before he spoke by letting the door creak open slowly. “And Gansey?” 

Ronan swirled his unappetizing looking coffee. “Noah’s at his family’s for the weekend, Gans is brown nosing with Childs.” 

“Gross,” Adam said, leaned against the door frame in a manner of absolute nonchalance. “Just you and me here, then?”

“You, me, and the finger eating bird,” Ronan agreed, turned with his coffee to face Adam. “For at least half an hour and up to three.” 

“Huh,” Adam nodded, “I have this evening off.” 

“Oh,” Ronan said, because that was news to him, and also because he was pretty sure he knew that this bantering was the kind of bantering people would classify as vague flirting around the subject of… fooling around? 

“Will you tell your mum about us?” Adam asked, he took a slow step towards Ronan, his eyes flicking from Ronan’s eyes to his lips. 

“If you don’t mind,” Ronan said, decided he didn’t need to drink this grainy coffee after all, and poured it still steaming down the sink before setting the mug down. 

“I don’t.” Adam took another step towards him. 

Ronan was really not used to this whole thing of his desire/need/hope for Adam to want him back being founded on reality and played out right in front of him and fucking happening and fucking  _ happening in their shitty bathroom _ . 

“Uh,” Ronan said, taking a quick step back as Adam stepped forwards again. He regretted this immediately as Adam’s face dropped, and he reversed his steps back tot he door again and looked to be going to reverse his steps all the way out the door and then out of Monmouth proper. “Just,” Ronan said, “not here.” 

Adam nodded, just once, swiveled on his heel, left. 

Fuck. 

“Parrish,” Ronan groaned. He lunged for the door, threw himself through it, caught up to Adam in three easy strides before Adam had made it to the couch. “Jeez, wait up, fuck, man.” He didn’t make the mistake of reaching out to catch on to Adam, to hold him back. 

Adam waited up, his hand on the back of the couch, his shoulders stiff. Ronan had forgotten, in the midst of all his fears of rejection and his shock of getting used to Adam not rejecting him, that Adam would feel any rejection much harder than Ronan did. That it would hurt him deeper than Ronan could ever intend. 

“I didn’t mean not in Monmouth,” Ronan grunted, hands shoved deep in his pocket to keep himself safe from Adam flinching away if he tried to reach out and touch him now, “I just meant not in that grody bathroom. Shit, man, I just -” 

Adam shook his head. He was still all stiff. 

“I was moving too fast,” Adam said to the empty room in front of them, “I get that.” 

“You weren’t,” Ronan said, because he was pretty sure Adam hadn’t been suggesting he fuck Ronan right then and there. 

“You moved back,” Adam pointed out, “you  _ flinched _ when I came closer to you.” 

“No,” Ronan said, felt like his insides were going to just explode out of him with how much he didn’t know how to explain his emotions in easy words that didn’t offend. 

“You did,” Adam said, and his voice wasn’t hurt, or rough, just calm and quiet and Ronan did not like that one bit. 

“You fucking idiot,” Ronan said, because that was the easiest thing to say, “I want you so much it fucking scares me ok? I’ve spent the last - the last year being terrified that I was going to want you too much and you’d notice and be disgusted with me. I’m not used to - I don’t know how to - you’re so open about you wanting me, and it caught me off guard and so I fucking forgot - my fucking body forgot - that I’m allowed this.” 

Adam’s back looked like he was taking this all in, so Ronan tested the waters by retrieving his hand from his pocket, and reaching out to brush against the hard angles of Adam’s back. 

“Sorry,” Adam said, and now his voice was rough. “I didn’t know.” 

The two of them really were just the fucking epitome of cats puffing themselves up to look big and threatening and then turning out to be fucking useless. Ronan rubbed his thumb in between Adam’s shoulderblades, willing the muscles there to soften a little. Stepped forwards so his arm wasn’t outstretched between them but bent and caught between his stomach and Adam’s back. 

“I wanna kiss you all the time,” Ronan said, “you know that when you’re not busy panicking. I wanna touch you all the time. I know that when I’m not busy panicking. This thing between us is only gonna work if we don’t fucking run away from each other the fucking moment one of us fucks up, because listen, I know that I’m a fucking asshole and I am gonna fuck up sometimes.” 

Adam didn’t reply, but his shoulders drooped, and he pressed in against Ronan’s hand, against his chest, let his head fall back until it was resting on Ronan’s shoulder, his face tipped up and in so Ronan could see him. 

“When did you get so clever, huh?” Adam mumbled, pressed his face in against Ronan’s neck in a way that until yesterday (or last minute) Ronan thought would never be allowed. “Fuck. I’m sorry.” 

“I got my brain from my mum,” Ronan replied, lifted his hand to press his thumb into the hollow underneath Adam’s eye. “But I’m only allowed to use it on the weekend.” 

“It’s Friday,” Adam pointed out. 

“Weekends start the moment you leave school on Friday,” Ronan argued back, “that’s what my weekend brain tells me, anyway.” 

Adam snorted, then turned suddenly in Ronan’s arms so that they were stomach to stomach, and pressed his hands to Ronan’s chest. 

“Is here ok?” he asked. 

Here was definitely fucking ok. Ronan nodded. 

-

Gansey got back an hour and a half later, and was pleasantly surprised to see Adam there, though he was… worried that Adam may have been running a fever due to his pink face and Ronan watched with stifled laughter as Gansey attempted to persuade Adam to allow him to place his hand on Adam’s forehead. 

“Gansey,” Adam said, crouched on the far end of the couch while Gansey was attempting to subtly make his way around the side of it under the pretense of checking the floorboards for creaks. “I told you. I’m fine. I was just - just coughing before you got here.” 

“Oh,” Gansey said, “you must have been coughing a lot to be so pink! Is your throat sore? Maybe that’s part of your fever -” 

“I inhaled my own spit,” Adam said bluntly, “and Ronan laughed at me so I laughed too and almost died trying to cough and laugh. That’s all. I’m fine. I’ve gotta go. You’ve gotta go. Chill out!” 

Gansey looked almost sad that Adam wasn’t after all ill, and wouldn’t need pampering. Ronan pushed himself away from the wall where he had fled to when Gansey had stomped his way up the stairs. 

“Yeah, he’s right, Dick,” he said loudly, stepping over the back of the couch onto the cushions and shoving Adam’s shoulder with one hand. “You’re late, and my mum’ll be sad and think you’re planning on standing her up.” 

“Oh God,” Gansey said. 

-

While Gansey rushed to pack his pajamas and his essential books (there was a toothbrush at the Barns for him), Ronan kissed Adam goodbye doing his best not to be furtive about it. 

“You should come with,” he said, once he’d pulled out of the kiss and jumped off of the couch to stop himself from needing to just keep kissing Adam. “Mum misses you. Matthew’s grades miss you.” 

“I can’t this weekend,” Adam said, looking very much like he wished Ronan would just keep kissing him as well, “anyway, it’s Gansey’s turn for the Barns spa treatment. He can help Matty out.” 

Ronan huffed, closed his eyes as Adam reached across the arm of the couch and brushed his knuckles over Ronan’s jaw. 

“End of next week,” Adam said quietly, “I’ll have enough for the down payment. I’ll move in to the flat. I won’t answer to anyone but me.” 

“Anyone but you and your homework and your work hours,” Ronan adjusted.

Adam flattened his fingers against Ronan’s jaw, curved his palm around his chin. “Don’t nitpick the gifts you’re given.” 

Ronan huffed again. 

-

Gansey did help Matthew with his homework, though he also pointed out that Ronan was probably just as good as him to tutor. They spent the weekend doing Winter readying chores, reading/playing games/watching movies inside, cosied up on the couch, drinking hot chocolate. Aurora was very happy to see Gansey again, apparently the few weeks they’d gone without hugging had been too much for her. Ronan enjoyed himself mostly, though he couldn’t help but fall into moments of melancholy every so often when he remembered that he was  _ dating Adam _ and Adam wasn’t here, and that Adam was working, and that Adam was working in the cold, and that Adam wasn’t safe yet, and that Adam - 

“Gans and Matty are in the kitchen,” his mother said, interrupting him during one of his moments of moodiness which he as conducting in the laundry under the guise of looking for lost socks. “You’ve been down here a long while.” 

“Haven’t found my sock,” Ronan grunted, though he was obviously not looking for any sock. He was sitting in the basket of fresh out of the dryer towels, warm hand towel over his face. 

“It’s sitting with its pair up in your drawer, or on your floor,” Aurora said easily, stepping over to the basket and plucking the towel from Ronan’s face. He grumbled at this, but she simply stroked his cheek and said; “You’re making Gansey sad, my darling.” 

Ronan screwed his already shut eyes tighter closed. “I’m not doing anything to Gansey.” 

“No,” his mother conceded, “I guess not. Gansey is sad because you’re not with him and that makes him think you must be feeling a little off and that makes him sad.” 

Ronan shrugged, no point adding to that. 

“Would you like to tell me why you’re feeling a little off?” Aurora prompted. 

Ronan fumbled around in the basket around him until he could pull out a loose flannel, and placed that over his face, Aurora’s hand as well. 

“No,” he said, “but I do - there is something - mama.” 

“Sweetheart.” 

“I think when I tell you what I’m going to tell you, you’ll laugh at me.” 

“Maybe,” she said, “but I promise it won’t be in mean spirits.” 

“Adam’s my boyfriend,” Ronan said then, quickly so he could get the words out because they were still so new in his mouth despite the fact he’d been mouthing it to himself over and over as if in reminder since it had happened. “We’re together. Since Thursday night. Or maybe Friday.” 

“You’ll need to get that date sorted out,” Aurora said, no trace of humour in her voice, “or else you’ll always be at odds with each other over which day to celebrate your anniversary.” 

Ronan tugged the flannel off of his face again. “Mama,” he said. 

“Ronan.” 

“You don’t mind?” 

“Why would I mind?” Aurora said, sighed, shifted her hand up to rub over his shaved scalp. “No, I know why you would ask. I don’t mind. I am -  _ so _ \- happy for you. Adam is smart, and capable, and loving, and you obviously like him a lot. I think you’ll be good for him. I think he needs to come over here more. Is that what you needed to hear, my darling?” 

“Mm,” Ronan said. 

“Gansey doesn’t know?” Aurora asked, her voice quiet like she thought maybe Gansey would be outside the door listening. 

“Not yet,” Ronan admitted. “It’s so new. We - Adam - we wanted it to be just… private. At first.”

“That’s fair,” Aurora reassured him. “But I am pleased you told me. Will you tell him soon?” 

“I think so.” 

“Will you go up and stop him from being sad now?” 

“I guess,” Ronan sighed. He let his mother haul him out of the basket, and followed her back upstairs. 

-

  
  


He and Gansey went back to Monmouth on Sunday afternoon. He had thought maybe he would have to do some wrangling to get Gansey to agree to it without being suspicious, but Gansey seemed eager to continue kissing up to Childs with the open weekend events, and was perfectly happy to go back a little earlier. Aurora may have wanted them to stay a bit longer, but she knew exactly why Ronan was eager to get back into town, and didn’t say anything to keep them, just kissed them both soundly on the foreheads, and chivvied them off. 

-

“Shit,” Adam said, when Ronan knocked firmly on the frame of the car Adam was lying underneath, “God! Theo what’ve I told you abo- Lynch.” 

Ronan grinned down at Adam as Adam’s grubby face appeared out from under the car along with the rest of his overalled body on a creeper trolley. 

“Alright, alright, Parrish,” Ronan grinned, “sorry for the surprise, or whatever.” 

Adam kicked Ronan’s ankle, not too hard, and shoved himself and the creeper back under the car. 

“I’m still on for half an hour,” he said, voice a little muffled, “I wasn’t expecting you back until tomorrow.” 

“Is that a problem?” Ronan asked, “Got some other new - new - new boyfriend hanging around that you don’ want me bumping into?” He kept his voice low so they wouldn’t be overheard, but apparently he was still nervous about saying this aloud, and the resulting stutter was maybe a little embarrassing. 

Adam snorted, kicked at Ronan’s ankle again. “Don’t be a dick,” he instructed. 

“Can’t help it,” Ronan said, squatted down by Adam’s knees, “can you get off early?” 

“Probably not,” Adam replied, though he did sound a little apologetic, “why?” 

“No reason,” Ronan grumbled, picked a piece of dry tar from the fabric of Adam’s pants, “just. Y’know.” 

“Y’know?” Adam repeated. He was having a much easier time of this, Ronan thought, because he got to hide his face from everyone and everything and just be a pair of legs and a voice, but Ronan was right here in the open and - 

“Thought we could hang,” Ronan said. 

Adam snorted again. A little rude, really. 

“Half an hour,” Adam said, “and then we can hang, or whatever.” 

“Or whatever,” Ronan confirmed. He stood up again then, kicked lightly at Adam’s calves. “Hurry up,” he said, “I’ll be out in the parking lot.” 

-

If the following week was difficult, it wasn’t because of Adam. It certainly wasn’t because he and Adam were  _ together _ . 

It was… it was because Adam was just  _ so fucking close _ to getting out, to never turning up at school again with a prupling eye, or a half limp, or that closed off shuttered expression which meant he’d spent the morning being beaten down either verbally or physically. He was so close but he wasn’t there yet, and so the bruise he wore on the underside of his jaw on Monday morning was jarring and extra painful, and the way he held himself tightly together as if being touched could shatter him on Wednesday afternoon made Ronan want to light something or someone on fire. 

Also. He and Adam were spending their every free second together, which wasn’t really news, but it made Ronan all the more aware of how little time it was because every time they’d grab one of those seconds it would be over all too soon and Adam would be pulling himself out of Ronan’s grip or away from Ronan’s lips, and leaving, and Ronan couldn’t even complain about it to Adam or Gansey. 

So maybe it was a little bit difficult because of Adam, but not - but not  _ because _ of Adam. 

Thursday night he was exhausted with all of this because of (not because of) and all the stress of holding extra secrets close to his chest, and all the anticipation of Adam leaving, and Adam being hurt, and Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, and - 

Maybe he was a little snappish. 

“Lynch,” Gansey said, also a little bit snappish but fair enough seeing as Ronan had been irritable and stormy all evening so far and had also just maybe accidentally knocked Gansey’s peppermint tea over onto a stack of Gansey’s text books. “Fuck.” 

“Sorry,” Ronan grumbled. 

The knocking of tea had been accidental though the clumsiness wasn’t. He left the room quickly to grab a cloth to wipe up the tea, and when he returned, Gansey was carefully isolating the wet books from the dry. 

“I don’t know what’s crawled up your butt and died,” Gansey said, still waspish even while Ronan got down on his knees and began to dry up his mess, but it doesn’t mean you can just - just destroy my belongings.” 

Ronan may have also just watched Chainsaw rip apart one of Gansey’s half finished cardboard houses today. In his defence, the house was still more cereal box than house and he hadn’t realised what it was until after rescue was useless. 

“Sorry,” Ronan grumbled again, tossed the soggy cloth away in the direction of the laundry door.

Gansey sighed heavily, the way he did when he was gathering himself together to say something he knew Ronan wouldn’t like him saying. Ronan sighed heavily as well, the way he did when he was preparing to hear whatever it was that Gansey felt necessary to say to him. 

“I know you and Adam have been fighting,” Gansey said solidly, “but it’s obviously upsetting the both of you. You’re both so tense when we’re all together, you barely talk to each other. Parrish shouldn’t have to deal with this while he’s also getting shit at home. I know you’ve noticed his bruises, and if that’s why you’re picking at him, then - “ 

“Shit, man,” Ronan interrupted, having only allowed Gansey this much air space being  _ so wrong _ because the wrongness had surprised him into silence. “I’m not fucking picking at Parrish.” 

Gansey looked at him, pointed at first, and then when he saw that Ronan’s face was absolutely not a liar’s face, softened. 

“So then,” Gansey said, “what’s wrong between the two of you?” 

Ronan shrugged expansively, because if he opened his mouth about this too much it would all come rushing out. That nothing was wrong between the two of them. That if they were stilted and quiet together around Gansey it was only because minutes before they had been hurried and needy and their lips were still buzzing with kissing and they felt like any word to each other would give it all away. That of course Ronan had noticed the bruises, the hurt Adam was carrying, and that he was doing his fucking best to give Adam a space to not have to think about it in at all even though it meant biting his own fucking tongue. 

“Ronan,” Gansey said. 

“I’ll talk to Parrish,” Ronan grunted, “make sure we’re fine. Ok?” 

Gansey looked like he had more to say, but he simply nodded, shuffled sideways on the floor to bump his shoulder to Ronan’s. Ronan exhaled, let himself slump against Gansey. Tried to let all the frustration his body was holding ebb out and away. 

-

“Jesus, Parrish,” Ronan bit out, seconds after narrowly avoiding a heart attack when Adam had stepped out of the shadow of a scraggly tree near the end of the trailer drive way and into the path of Ronan’s BMW. “I almost fucking died. I almost fucking could’ve killed you!” 

Adam had stepped deftly around the nose of the BMW, opened the passenger door, and had gotten in. Usually Ronan would drive a little further in and meet him walking up the driveway. Today, Adam was early and exuberant, his grin was wide and elastic and bright enough to light up the dim morning. 

“I’m paying the down payment this morning,” Adam said in lieu of a greeting or an apology for their near death experiences, “I have everything I need. I’m gonna drop by the church office after my shift this morning and they’ll give me the key and I will fucking move out and into it  _ tomorrow _ , Ronan.” 

If they weren’t still parked in the driveway of a death trap, Ronan would have liked to lunge across the seats and kiss Adam as thoroughly as possible. 

“Fuck,” he said instead, “shit, man.” 

Adam grinned at him still. “Eloquent,” he said, “as always.” 

“Dickhead,” Ronan smiled, “we’re not at school yet, you don’t need to impress anyone with your fancy words.” 

“Eloquent’s only three syllables,” Adam pointed out, doing his seat belt up, “even trailer trash like me can manage that.” 

Ronan rolled his eyes, “Fuck off,” he said, “I’ll drive you to Agnes after your shift, yeah?” 

-

Ronan followed Adam into the church office, watched as Adam paid and sorted out the formalities, left with Adam, the both of them buzzing with barely contained excitement, drove the both of them a few blocks away to park somewhere vaguely secluded and mostly hidden, and then dragged Adam into the backseat. 

“Shit,” Adam said, letting himself be manhandled onto Ronan’s lap with no fuss at all, “who knew leasing arrangements got you so hot, huh?” 

“Fuck off,” Ronan growled, tugged at the top button of Adam’s work shirt, “you need to get changed for school.” 

Adam snorted, lifted his hands from Ronan’s shoulders to his shirt to assist him in taking his own shirt off. “Oh,” he said, “I had thought the backseat switch was for something a bit more exciting than changing.” 

“I have no fucking idea what you’re talking about,” Ronan mumbled, pulling Adam’s half unbuttoned shirt off clumsily and then abandoning it on the seat in favour of wrapping his arms around Adam’s waist and tugging him closer, and down, and mouth to mouth. 

Adam kissed him the way he had been kissing him all week; with a hunger that felt like it could never be sated, with the knowledge that they didn’t have much time so it had to be quality over quantity. Maybe this morning’s kisses were more fervent, heavier than usual, what with Adam half dressed and heavy in his lap. 

They’d taken their shirts off together once in the past week, pressed themselves skin to skin until Adam had peeled them apart and pushed at Ronan’s shoulder until Ronan rolled over on the bed and let Adam run his fingers up and down his sprawling back tattoo. Until Ronan was shivering and gripping the bedsheets tightly with Adam’s mouth kissing at the inky knots on his lower back. 

They had had to stop, partially because Gansey had gotten home, partially because Ronan didn’t know how far he’d let Adam take this and he wanted to be able to think before things happened. 

Today, in the backseat of his beemer, he knew things weren’t going to go as far as they had on Wednesday evening, even if that hadn’t been very far either. They didn’t have the time, or the space for it, but the way Adam was shifting in his lap, his hips tilting hard down against Ronan’s, his tongue hot in Ronan’s mouth, it felt still very much like… like things were maybe too fast suddenly. 

He gripped at Adam’s shoulders, and then his hips, because it was difficult getting his head in any sort of order and how was he supposed to know what he wanted? He turned his head away until Adam’s lips left his. 

“Hang on,” he said, feeling stupid at the words, stupider at the hoarseness of them. “You - uh -” 

Adam looked down at him, eyes bright, mouth wet and open, eyebrows worried. Ronan gripped his hips tighter, feeling the way Adam was hesitating in his lap like he was going to climb off of Ronan and out of the car and escape rather than be put off of Ronan and asked to leave. He didn’t want Adam to go. 

“I want you so bad,” Ronan said, throwing away all pretence that he knew how to speak with any kind of grace “and I know I’d give you anything you want in the heat of a moment, so I just -” 

Adam spoke while Ronan hesitated. “Oh God,” he said, not trying to get up anymore, but withdrawing his hands from Ronan’s sides anyway, pressing the firmly to his own chest. “I wouldn’t - Ronan - fuck, I don’t wanna do anything you don’t want - if you -” 

“Parrish,” Ronan grunted, because it was difficult enough to be coherent without having to speak over each other. He shifted his hands from Adam’s hips to wrap his arms around Adam’s waist instead. “I fucking know. Just. Listen. I’m saying I would want everything with you, you’d never force me into doing shit I don’t want, but I want too much right now. And I’m - I’m not fucking ready, ok? I’m not ready. I need this - us - fuck, yeah, us to be steadier first.” 

Adam breathed a little before replying, which Ronan was thankful for because it gave them both a chance to think. 

“Ok,” he said, “I get it. I mean, me too, y’know? I feel like if I touch you too much I’ll lose my mind and I’ll just be all sensation. But I’m not - I’m not ready for that either. For  _ that _ , I mean, not - yeah.” 

Ronan cleared his throat. “Yeah.” 

Adam was very pink. Ronan was sure he was too. 

“Um,” Adam said, shifted in Ronan’s lap. “I’m, uh, glad you brought this up.” 

“Mm,” Ronan said. 

“I probably have to actually get changed now, yeah?” 

“Yeah.” 

-

  
  


Ronan spent the rest of the day feeling remarkably light headed. Light footed. Like he was just made of helium and sunshine or some shit like that. Gansey noticed, because he was Gansey, and he asked about it, so Ronan mumbled something about having talked to Adam and let Gansey infer that they’d just sorted out whatever disagreement they had been having, and left it at that. 

If Ronan got his way, Adam would just drop the rest of his shifts for the day. He’d paid his deposit after all so he should stop wearing himself out. Adam went to the rest of his shifts, obviously. He was Adam. 

But. Here was the plan. Adam would go home tonight. Would pack all his shit up. Would spend one last night in the shit hole he had been caged in. Ronan would pick him up the next morning, be his moving truck, be his back up for Adam informing his parents that he was in fact leaving and leaving and never ever coming back. 

He was looking forward to it. A lot. Too much. He was having trouble sleeping. Couldn’t keep himself still, all jittery and excited and alone in his room. Chainsaw was somewhere out by the moon, busy hunting or swooning, or screaming into the dark like Ronan was tempted to do. 

“Ronan,” Gansey called, “Noah might have his ear plugs in and be sleeping peacefully, but I can hear you throwing shit against your wall.” 

“It’s not even one in the morning,” Ronan called back, continuing to throw and catch his tennis ball, “lemme be.” 

“I would let you be,” Gansey hollered, “if my head wasn’t banging like a drum.” 

“It’s my wall, not your head!” Ronan contradicted. 

His bedroom door opened, Gansey appeared in the doorway, a darker smudge against the shadows of Monmouth. Ronan couldn’t see his face but he was very familiar with the frown and the dressing gown he knew Gansey would be wearing. 

“I thought you and Adam sorted things out?” Gansey asked. 

“Adam and I are fucking fine,” Ronan said, leaned too far back to catch the tennis ball and ended up with his shoulders on the floor. “Ow.” 

“So why are you so un-asleep?” Gansey prodded. 

“Trauma probably,” Ronan replied, letting the rest of his body slide off the bed and onto the floor so he could get back onto the bed with less effort.

“Ronan,” Gansey said, in the voice he wore specifically when he wasn’t sure if he ought to scold or comfort Ronan. 

“It’s not,” Ronan sighed, “I’m just - y’know when you’re too full to sleep?” 

“You barely ate.” 

“No, not full of food,” Ronan grunted, spun himself around on the floor and then clambered back onto his bed, patted the mattress beside him so Gansey would pad forwards and sit down with him. “Full of feeling.” 

“Bad feelings?” Gansey asked. He knew what that was like. 

“Well yeah,” Ronan shrugged. “But not tonight. Too full of good feelings. Like if you sleep you’ll wake up and they won’t be as good.” 

“Hm,” Gansey offered. 

“And it’s hard to sleep with them anyway because it makes your fingertips buzz,” Ronan expounded, “and it’d be so much easier to just stay awake all night and be there for the moment when the sun is up so you can be up too.” 

“That all sounds very romantic,” Gansey said, found Ronan’s hand with his own on the bed between them and squeezed it, “but we both know that when you stay awake that long you’re so grumpy the next day you need to be literally put to bed.” 

Ronan exhaled loudly, slumped over so his head was on Gansey’s shoulder. 

“What’s this good feeling made out of?” Gansey asked, voice quiet. 

“I have a secret,” Ronan mumbled, suddenly exhausted as his head lolled against the soft fabric of Gansey’s pajama shirt. “A couple of secrets. And for once in my fucking life they’re good secrets, Gans. They’re happy fucking secrets.” 

Gansey made a low sound of acknowledgement, shifted underneath Ronan enough to wrap his arm around Ronan’s shoulders. 

“And I’m gonna tell you what they are, man,” Ronan continued quickly, not wanting to dampen the feeling with a sad Gansey, “‘Cos I wanna tell you so fucking bad, but I just - soon. Ok? I’ll tell you super fucking soon.” 

Gansey squeezed Ronan’s shoulders, rested his head on Ronan’s stubbly head. 

“Ok,” he said, “I’m looking forward to hearing them.” 

“Mm,” Ronan sighed, yawned, “Ok,” he said, “I could actually sleep now. You’re soporific, did you know that? You come in and I’m like, dead.” 

Gansey laughed a little, squeezed Ronan again. “I think that’s a nice thing for you to say?” he said, didn’t sound offended. “Ok. Thank you for deciding to go to sleep now. Love you, man.” 

“Love you,  _ man, _ ” Ronan responded. He would have added finger guns, but his hands were too sleepy to function properly now. 

Gansey left, Ronan shuffled around in his sheets, pulled his duvet up to his chin, and slept. 

-

Saturday morning and he almost fucking slept in. His alarm went off at the right time, and his asleep brain thought that it must be a mistake and that the whole thing about Adam finally leaving and also  _ liking _ Ronan was just a happy dream. Then Chainsaw bit his toe and he woke up properly and propelled himself out of bed and to his car, and then put pedal to the metal all the way to the trailer park. 

He didn’t park at the end of the drive today, he drove all the way in, ignoring the barking dogs, and the knowledge that everyone here must know that Adam gets beaten up by his own father, and parked right outside the Parrish double wide.The door was open, and he could see Adam standing in the doorway. His belongings were already piled by the bottom of the porch steps. It wasn’t much, his shoulder bag, a back pack, and a half full rubbish bag, but Ronan didn’t doubt that was everything he owned. 

It took him a beat too long to realise that Adam wasn’t coming out, he was standing there with his shoulders stiff and high, and the shadow of his father falling out over him and down the steps. He could hear shouting. 

He opened the car door as Adam fell - was pushed - down the stairs, his head cracking on the step railing first, and then landing hard on the dusty dirt. He hadn’t even put his hands out to catch himself. Robert had stepped out onto the landing and Ronan had stepped out of his car, was half way across the dirt, hands out to stop Robert from reaching his son who he was still shouting at even as Adam lay still. 

It was like his brain had blurred. Was only giving him snapshots. He grabbed Robert by the front of his wife beater, pushed him back up a step. 

Robert yelled. Something. Took a swing at Ronan. Missed. Ronan swung back. He was pretty sure it had hit its mark. He wasn’t in the habit of missing even if the swinging was a habit he thought he’d broken.

Adam was still on the ground, half pushed up on one hand, eyes unfocused. 

Shouting. He got hit, right around the face. Something cracked. He didn’t think he’d broken anything. 

Adam was trying to speak. His mouth was moving. Ronan couldn’t hear anything. 

Sirens. Sirens were why he couldn’t hear anything. 

Someone pulled him away from Robert, or pulled Robert away from him, or both. He was being held back, being tugged away. Gansey? No. A cop. He was directing Ronan to the back of the cop car. 

Adam. 

Adam was talking again. Ronan still couldn’t hear. Just his blood pumping furious in his ears.

Adam was pointing. Ronan resisted the cop trying to get him to sit in the fucking pig shuttle. The cop stopped trying to get him in the car. Was releasing him suddenly. Was letting Adam take him by the arm. 

A cop was holding Adam’s bags. Adam was directing him to put the bags in Ronan’s car. Adam was talking to the cop more. They took Robert. There was more shouting. 

Then it was just Adam and Ronan sitting in Ronan’s car and Adam had Ronan’s face between his hands. 

“Ronan,” he said, like he’d said it a few times now. “Hey, hey, Ronan? Did your head get hit?” 

Adam’s eyes still looked off. Unfocused. 

“No,” Ronan mumbled, blinked rapidly, “no. No. Sorry - just - overwhelmed. Uh - fuck! Your head - you’re bleeding - you -” 

“Take me to the hospital?” Adam suggested, “If you’re feeling ok to drive? I told the police I’d come to the station after I went to the hospital.” 

“Why go to the station?” Ronan said, “You’re not in trouble, right? Shit, you better not be, wait, am I in trouble -?” 

“No,” Adam grimaced. “I have to - I’m - it’s my dad. I have to go… to go make a statement. You’re fine, don’t worry. I told them it was in my defence. They want a statement from you too.” 

That could be dealt with afterwards. After Adam’s eyes stopped being blurry. 

-

He called Gansey in the hospital. While Adam was being seen. He was so - so mad at himself for just completely going out of it, for not being able to hold himself together, for forcing Adam to be the calm one in the situation when he was the one who’d been thrown down the stairs, when he was the one who was gathering himself up and freeing himself from a horrible situation, when he was the one who - 

  
“Ronan,” Gansey said, he sounded like he’d just woken up. “You ok? W’sup?” 

“Um,” Ronan said, pressed the heel of his free hand into his eye socket until his eyes started producing stars. “Don’t panic, ok?” 

Gansey made a noise which sounded remarkably like panic. 

“Why?” 

“Because,” Ronan cleared his throat, “I’m at the hospital. With Adam. His father - Adam’s leaving home and his father isn’t happy about it and - and I mucked up, Gans.” 

Gansey swore, soft, away from the phone, and then spoke again to Ronan. “Adam’s with you?” 

“Mhm,” Ronan nodded, “he’s being looked at now.” 

“What do you mean you mucked up?” 

Ronan pressed his hand back into his eye socket. “I - I tried to fight his dad.” 

“Oh,” Gansey said, concise. “Should I come to the hospital?” 

“Can you meet us outside? Once we’re done here.” 

“I can,” it sounded like Gansey was getting dressed while still on the phone, muffled rustling. 

“It was supposed to be one of the good secrets,” Ronan sighed, “Adam leaving home.” 

“That bit’s still good,” Gansey said, “hard to believe, but good. Where is he going instead?” 

“He got a flat,” Ronan mumbled, tipped his head back against the wall. “Above St Agnes’ office. He paid the deposit yesterday.” 

If Gansey was upset that he had been out of the loop about this, he didn’t say anything of the sort, just made a soft noise of acknowledgement. Then; “Are you ok? Ro? Are you… hurt?” 

“Not really,” Ronan said, his voice cracked a little at the end, and he had to clear his throat again. “I just - I was doing better.” 

“Hey,” Gansey murmured, “you still are. This doesn’t change that. Hey. Does your ma know?” 

-

Ronan called his ma. Adam was still with the doctor, or the nurse or whatever. Ronan was still just out in the waiting room with his eyebrow throbbing under drying blood, and his knuckles smarting. Aurora answered on the second ring. 

“Baby?” She said, “What’s wrong?” 

He told her everything. Or at least, all of everything that he could fit into a few short minutes.

That Adam had decided to save himself, and that Ronan was supposed to help, and that Adam’s father was awful, and that Adam had been hurt, and that Ronan had lost himself again for a few minutes too long and his head hurt and his eyes hurt and his lungs hurt and he didn’t want Adam to think of him as weak and out of control, that he hadn’t even been able to hold himself together enough to be there for Adam when Adam needed him the most and - 

“Darling,” Aurora interrupted, “sweetheart. It’s ok. It’s ok. Adam’s going to be ok, and you’re going to be ok, and we’re going to smooth everything over. I’m coming in to town, alright? I’ll meet you at the police station. Is Gansey with you?” 

“Not yet,” Ronan mumbled, his head was somehow in his hands, bent over his knees like he was in pain. He spoke to the floor. “He’s meeting us here. Mama.” 

“Ronan,” Aurora said, her voice sure and certain. 

“I don’t know what to do,” Ronan said. 

He didn’t need to follow that up with what it was he didn’t know what to do about. Aurora knew. He didn’t know what to do if Adam was badly hurt, he didn’t know what to do if the police charged him with assault, he didn’t know what to do with all the fucked up emotions always bringing blood to his fists and his brain to a blur and his heart to a pounding mess.

“You take it one moment at a time,” Aurora said, calm, “like we always do. And you let yourself lean on your mama, and your Gansey, and your boyfriend. We like being leaned on.” 

“Adam’s got enough leaning on him,” Ronan pointed out. 

“He doesn’t have to hold all your weight,” Aurora replied, keys jingling in the background of her voice, “he just has to give you some warmth.” 

-

Adam was ok. He wasn’t  _ okay _ but he was ok. He was. Partially deaf. A parting gift from his father. He had two stitches behind his ear - butterfly stitches - and a bright bruise blooming on his forehead. His eyes looked vacant, but clear. He reached for Ronan when he came back out, took him by the hand, leaned against him. Ronan leaned against him. Held each other up with their weight. They met Gansey outside. Worried Gansey. Worried Gansey with Noah in tow and frantic hands and downturned mouths. 

Gansey and Noah came with them to the police station, and Aurora was already there, and she hugged all four of them, then kept holding on to him and Adam, holding them both to her sides like they were children, or newly hatched chicks, or precious. 

Adam gave a statement. Ronan gave a statement. Gansey gave a statement for some reason. Aurora made several statements. 

Adam conceded that he would really quite like to just go to the Barns for the night if he wasn’t allowed to work with a mild concussion. If he wasn’t advised to be alone. If Aurora really insisted. 

Aurora did really insist. 

Ronan wondered if Gansey noticed that Adam was holding tight to Ronan’s jacket sleeve. 

-

Sunday turned into the move in day. The Lynches went to church in the morning, Adam to his new flat. Ronan wanted to go with him, but his mother advised him to leaveAdam to his first settling in just with himself. 

After the service they unloaded the furniture Adam had graciously accepted from the Barns, carried it up the steep stairs, let Adam show them where in his new house he wanted them. Aurora had brought a vase and flowers, set them up on the little wooden table. Had brought dark green curtains to hang at the bare window. A quilt that had been in their guest room and still smelled of lavender and lemon. A pot plant from their deck. Matthew brought a deck of cards, a purple lava lamp, a wheatbag he’d sewn in the shape of a cat. Ronan brought himself and a bag of books and a couple of hoodies, and some hand cream he’d bought on a whim last weekend to give to Adam and hadn’t yet. 

Adam allowed this. Allowed it all until Aurora and Matthew had left, and it was just Adam and Ronan sitting on Adam’s new bed, with Adam’s new quilt, and Adam’s new pillow, in Adam’s new flat. 

“I can’t,” Adam said, his voice small even in this tiny flat. “I can’t accept all this, Ronan.” 

“You already have,” Ronan pointed out. 

Adam looked at him as if Ronan had missed the point so entirely he had to check and see if he was blind. 

“I can’t repay your family for this,” Adam clarified, “I can’t repay you for paying my hospital bills, your mum for giving me all this furniture, your brother for not making me feel uncomfortable and for giving me a fucking cat wheatie. I can’t - I can’t repay you for defending me -” 

“Parrish,” Ronan bit out, changed his mind. He grabbed for Adam’s hand, which had been in Adam’s lap, picking at the nails of Adam’s other hand. “Yeah you can,” he said. 

Adam closed his eyes. Let Ronan hold his hand. 

“You can pay us back.” Ronan said, steady as he could. “Y’know what my mum wants in return for this? For you to come over and spend time with her. She wants to know you more. She’d love it if you’d help in the garden. Matthew just wants help with his homework, and for you to laugh at his jokes. Easy.” 

“And you?” Adam prompted. 

Ronan swallowed.

“I just want you to forgive me,” Ronan said. 

Adam opened his eyes. Looked at Ronan. His eyes weren’t vacant anymore. A good sleep had done away with that. They were still a little cautious, as they always were, but right now they were more confused than anything else. 

“For what?” Adam asked. 

“For being hot headed,” Ronan shook his head. “I attacked your dad. I should have just - just defended you. I didn’t need to get in there and  _ fight _ and I know I shouldn’t’ve, and I know you were saying to stop - and I didn’t -” 

“I forgive you,” Adam cut in, “I wasn’t angry at the time, or after, or now. But if you need to hear it, here it is. I forgive you.” 

Ronan swallowed again. 

“I think,” Adam said slowly, “I think you’re the one who’s upset by what you did. And I - I can guess a little bit at why, but I don’t think what you did was out of line. I don’t think you should do it again, but it’s not something… condemnable about you.” 

“There you go with your SAT words again,” Ronan mumbled. Adam shoved him with his free hand. 

-

Revealing the next secret after all this was ridiculously easy. Maybe because Ronan had stayed with Adam in his new flat on the Sunday night, had arrived to school with him on the Monday morning and discovered that he really, really, really didn’t want to let go of Adam’s hand. That Adam would let him keep holding on to him even as they walked into school proper, into their classroom, only recalled his hand back when he needed it to write. 

Probably the whole school knew now. 

“Ronan,” Gansey said, voice low. He had been in the classroom when Ronan and Adam had walked in, but had stood up and come to sit on their desk. “Adam?” 

Adam nodded at Gansey. He was scrawling some apparently important pre-class notes in his work book but hadn’t shaken Ronan’s hand off of the elbow yet. 

“Uh,” Ronan said, “Gans. This is the second secret. The happy ones.” 

Gansey stared at where Ronan’s fingers were twisted in at the fabric of Adam’s school jumper pushed up his forearms. He stared at the blush high in Adam’s cheeks and colouring the tips of his ears. He stared at Ronan who stared back with his jaw set. 

“You mean to tell me,” Gansey said, hushed, “that all this time I’ve been trying to figure out who your crush was, and it’s been Adam? All along?” 

Ronan shrugged. Yeah. 

“We were going to tell you the other day,” Adam said lowly, “but then - well.” 

Gansey nodded. 

“It’s still new,” Ronan offered. 

“But not fragile,” Adam added. He put his pencil down and glanced over his shoulder at their pretending not to be a captive audience class. “And not that exciting, so stop filming, Carruthers.” 

Ronan jerked his head up to send a glare over to the other side of the classroom until Tad put his fucking phone down. Gansey sighed. Not upset, more amused than anything. 

“Yup,” he said, “just an average day, here.” 

**Author's Note:**

> If you like my writing feel free to come chat over on my tumblr etoilegarden


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